Armageddon Week!? I’m Scared Shitless!!!

So I see that the History Channel has been cranking up the juice with the pre-apocalyptic hysteria. Look, I’m a hardcore History Channel fan, so I’m a little bit disgusted with the way that this presumably dignified educational broadcasting outfit has used low-brow sensationalism to plug a 5 day long primetime paranoia-fest called Armageddon Week! It’s awfully nice of them to have taken the time to put together stock footage of buildings crumbling, volcanoes erupting, earthquakes, comets, gratuitous holocaust scenes from Nazi Germany, human death, starvation and nuclear explosions into one over the top montage; and all set to that snazzy pre-packaged title… Armageddon Week! So, it’s fucking Armageddon Week, huh?! Geez! What the fuck did they do, get Samuel L. Bronkowitz to produce the promo trailer?

I embedded this video in case you don't get the Bronkowitz reference, because frankly it'd be a fucking shame if you didn't:

Meanwhile, the entire globe seems to be in ‘business as usual’ mode and really nobody seems to pay any mind that we are less than one year away from impending doom. Well, nobody but the survivalists that is. For years they’ve been stockpiling k-rations and live ammo rounds for the big pop-off.

Out of sight, out of mind... That’s a good way to deal with it. Try to ignore it. Just let it be. And hopefully, if lady luck wants to throw you a mercy hand-job then you will be among the initial mega-deaths (a unit of measure) when the dead star breaches our atmosphere, sparing you from the post-apocalyptic hardships to befall mankind. Make sure to reserve your spot in a mass grave now, I hear they’re going fast! Shit, I reserved myself an ocean view, baby! The joke’s on me actually, because after 12/21/2012 the whole fucking earth is going to have an ocean view!

Listen, I’ve made my peace with the inevitability of the planets devastation and humanity’s demise. And how is it that I have reached this high and enlightened state of nihilist nirvana? Two thoughts if I may…

1)            Most importantly, because we fucking deserve it! Really... a great job our species has done of respecting the basic laws of nature. The levee is about to break, boys and girls. The time to pay the price for our Mother’s disgrace is nigh!

2)            I’m pretty satisfied with my life in its current incarnation of the past 5 years. I am probably one of the most miserable pricks you will ever meet, so if I can sit here and honestly say that I am damn well happy with the current state of Pig Latin’s internal affairs, then why not end it all on a fucking high note, right? I have had many ribald, book-worthy adventures in my ‘eye’s blink of a lifetime’ involving (but not limited to): Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll, Vandalism, Larceny, Rebellion, Black Magic, Perversion, etc… So my philosophy is: “Fuck It! I guess if this year truly brings us the end of days then I’ve got nothing to cry about. I’m ready to die like Biggie, bitches!”

And the afterthought to those two points is this…  I have nothing but contempt for mankind. I mean, can you fucking blame me? We are vile. We are a wretched cancer let loose upon Gaia... that which is about to be removed. Homo-Sapiens are way out of vogue anyways! 

My advice to my loyal devotees is to get it all out of your system between now and 12/21/2012, because just in case those kooky human-sacrificing Mayan priests were right, then we may be in waiting to be reduced to ash and bone fragments when the cosmic shit hits the universal fan. I would start compiling those “things to do” lists post-haste. All of you straight edge record collectors might want to jot down “Losing my virginity” as the first and most important item on that list. Ladies, now’s as good a time as any to engage in some experimental Lesbo frolicking. You know you want to, so just run with it... get Sapphic with it baby! Can I watch?

All of you misanthropes and ne’er-do-wells, you know what time it is!

Red Alert! Red Alert!

Hear the clarion call in the form of a heavily distorted A-tuned riff, calling you all to arms. Visions of running amok have rioted through your head, so now is the time… Arise, my children, the time has come for you to all go berserk before becoming human flotsam and jetsam.

Hey, here’s a thought… Wouldn’t it be a stone gas if all of us socially marginalized misfit types were to get together and start total fucking mayhem! Yea, that’d be great, a chance to create some real honest to goodness old time anarchy before our planet becomes a galactic piñata. Just a thought! I’m pretty sure it won’t happen, so all of you rich W.A.S.P.s have nothing to worry about. If this was the Reagan era, I might be a little nervous about a bunch of angry disenfranchised punkers and long-hairs all amped up on Black Beauties, tearing through city streets. But lucky for you upper-crust oppressors, counter-culture rage has been made mall-friendly by the silicone age (which refers to technology and not big tits). In today’s pop-culture terms, that means that REBELLION HAS BEEN AUTO-TUNED! Rebellion is no longer a contact sport. Any overweight, sexually inactive pseudo-intellectual nerd with internet access can blog his rage away till his fingers are as blue as his balls! 

 Again, don’t worry America, modern teenagers are too stupid, fat and complacent to go out and do some good old fashioned “Fucking Shit Up.” They’ll just latch onto the nearest OCCUPY protest, not for activism purposes, but to try and be seen in their raggedy SUBHUMANS t-shirt by someone they know to gain punk cred… and to try and catch Herpes from a FOOD NOT BOMBS broad.

And by the way, pardon the segue, but am I the only one who is starting to see a possible correlation between the prophetic suggestion of our 2012 expiration date and the fact that it happens to fall on an election year, with a number of ding-bat Republican presidential candidates falling in and out of the running, each crazier than the next, waiting to take the reins. There is a chance for the democrats to keep power, but I always get nervous around election time no matter what the fucking Gallup poll says. I’ve said it before that I’m hardline Center but voting for the Dems is the lesser of the greatest evil. I don’t know how good Obama’s re-election chances are, so again, I’m nervous. I’m not saying that I am personally displeased with President Obama. Shit, I like him, he’s a cool motherfucker. And besides, after being ruled by Curious George for two seemingly eternal terms, how could you not like B-Rack. What scares me most is that the inherent racism of the AmeriKKKan majority will create a deeper quasi-Freudian displeasure with having a “Soul Brother” running this country, hence tipping the scales unfavorably. Oh man, can you imagine that fucking nut-job Michelle Bachmann (who’s crazier than a shit house rat) making it to this year’s big showdown, winning, and having access to the “Nuke” codes! That’s almost as terrifying a thought as the fact that she could have actually won! So could have Sarah “I shoot defenseless wolves from a hovering helicopter” Palin, also a very scary reality… I know that neither of the two is still relevant, but they were at some point… and that, my Droogs, is fucking petrifying. I think I want to move to Canada… like right fucking NOW!

Well, the shadow of Nibiru draws nigh, as does the threat of a new Republican uber-Regime. I think that the nearing reality of our cosmic annihilation is a preferable outcome to having another Republican shit-head in office!  I contend that the two may even be inter-related. So as the Death Star comes crashing through the universe on its imminent collision course with Earth, completing its oblong 3,600 year orbit around our Sun, I leave you with this tidbit for thought…

Lightning round! Ding Ding Ding

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Bachmann, Palin, Coulter

Discuss amongst yourselves…