Tuesday, March 20, 2012

True tales of horror!
My colonoscopy nightmare
Proof that in life the sickness is often better than the cure.

Well, technically it wasn’t a colonoscopy. It’s a procedure called Flex-Sig (or Flexible Sigmoidoscopy). Here’s the chisme.
So I went to see my doctor because I was having seriously painful explosive shits. And not only that, but often I would have to take a “dump-skee” right after dinner. I mean like Right After! That’s no fucking way to live! The doc shoved me off to see a specialist, or a Gastroenterologist, to perform the flex sig in order to make sure that I did not have ulcers in my lower colon. He explained that the flex-sig is a small video camera used to view the last section of the colon. “This is not going to be good” I thought. I made my appointment and off I went.
Needless to say I was uneasy. I usually don’t go to a doctor unless it’s absolutely last resort. You know, like once a limb starts to turn green or something like that. Finally they call me in from the waiting room, and I’m escorted into the room where my butt-cherry desecration is about to take place. I felt like a man walking down Death Row. Imagine the feeling of knowing that digital ass rape is imminent upon reaching the end of the hallway.
The doctor asked me to disrobe and lay on the exam table on my left side. He asked if I had ever had a prostate exam and I reluctantly answered no. Then with these words -“Okay this will feel a little uncomfortable but we must make sure at your age that your prostate is healthy”- he proceeded to jam his middle finger up my ass. 

Dude that shit fucking sucked! I don’t know what it was but soon as he put his massive finger in my virgin bung I fucking pissed myself. No, not figuratively; I actually pissed myself. He probed around a little then finally pulled out. Now, it was time to break out the sodomy equipment, or instruments of “Ass-destruction”.
I could’ve sworn he whispered “time to get clinical on his ass” to the nurse but it may have been a weed induced audio-hallucination.
Out comes the Flex Sig machine and my boongy starts to shut like your mouth when you suck on a lemon. After thorough lubing, they insert the horrible instrument into my anus, and it starts to inflate my anal walls with air in order to widen its pathway through my colon. This fucking sucked even more than the doc confusing my asshole for his Med School graduation ring. Now I’ve got an asshole full of air and lube while getting butt-fucked by a camcorder. He was in there for about 8 minutes before the horrible ordeal was over.

As he began to walk out of the room he told me to feel free to use the bathroom and ‘evacuate some air that may still be trapped inside me’. So I grabbed my clothes from off of the chair and went into the bathroom. In the bathroom, I start to attempt to push out the air but was finding difficult to release my inner winds (probably due to just having my fudge packed). As soon as I started to feel the air move outwards I slightly squat to facilitate release. Lo and behold the tip of the fart cuts through and out comes’ a screeching trumpet blast of air followed by a jet stream of lube which splattered all over the bathroom floor. Now I had to grab paper towels and clean the pressurized shit-grease off the floor to cover my Hershey tracks. Finally I get the mess cleaned up and put my clothes back on. As I walk out, feeling cheap and used, with lube residue still squishing around in my corn-hole, I face the greatest of my day’s humiliations… 

… which was the attractive, all female office staff standing outside of the exam room with little smirks on their faces that clearly meant they knew the Doc had gotten another hole in one. I could have sworn I heard one of those chicks whisper “bye bye butt bitch” under her breath, but that could have also been a weed induced hallucination, even though the whole ordeal was sobering to say the very least.The worst part though… he never called me again. I feel like such a hussy.

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