Christian High School Sluts in Heat Gone Berserk

Part 2

As promised, another installment from the ongoing series based on the true life accounts of my fight against the Fundamentalist Christian Right... from behind enemy lines!

My Christian education in Organized Crime

Since I had no job during those eighth grade years, I needed a scheme to re-populate my pillaged record collection. Bobby helped a little bit with this. I would shoplift those old-school Memorex cassette 3 packs and give them to Bobby. If you’re as old as me, you’ll remember the ones I mean. They were see through and had these weird magenta and aqua colored triangles on them… Each side of one of those cassettes could roughly hold one full album (under somewhat standard running time). I would give Bobby a 3 pack and he would come back with 6 albums on cassette. But as you all know, cassette dubs are no substitution for originals of your favorite records, so I devised a plan. I was like a young Henry Hill on his first day at the cab-stand.

I cut a 6” long slit into the lining of my school uniform jacket and through this opening I would stuff Tuna, Chicken and Hoagie sandwiches that I would steal from the lunch line. The plan, sell these $3 dollar sandwiches to the other miscreants for $2, and to close associates for a $1.50. This first racket brought in about $10 bucks a day, which in my terms translated to replacing about three or four albums a week. It was a decent scam but I needed to come up faster. That’s when I came across a real good score. This was every wise guy’s dream score…

Stolen cigarettes!

Around that time, I would go and visit my dad on the weekends at his job which was a Cuban restaurant out west on Tamiami Trail and 122^nd Avenue. One day, as the weekly cigarette delivery was arriving through the back alley I noticed that the delivery driver left the back gate open on his truck. Something inside of me, perhaps an inherent criminal instinct, just told me “Pig, you need to snatch up a case of cigarettes from this dude… homeboy is slipping”. I grabbed the first case I could and stashed it behind the restaurant’s dumpster thinking that I would just come back later for it. The case had way too many cigarettes to take all at once so I had to wait before I was able to take my cache’ of squares. I’ll never forget, it was a case of Kent Golden Lights. By the time I figured that most of all the kids I associated with at school smoked but couldn’t buy packs without getting carded, I had myself a sweet racket going. Back then a cardboard case of cigarettes brought about twenty cartons which as all of you smokers know, a carton holds ten packs. I broke the case into two halves. Half of the case would be sold as packs at five bones a pop, and the other half as singles for a dollar each. I was charging kids $5 dollars a pop for packs of Kent Golden Lights, which went back then (I would say this was around ‘89/’90) for about $1.50 or maybe even $2 dollars. For the price of a regular pack of Marlboros out on the street I was giving the burners two squares for after their lunchtime smoke session in the school parking lot. Yo, I was making bank, kid! But these kids would have forked over up to $10 a pack because it was really hard back then for an under-aged kid to just walk up to a Quickie Mart and buy a pack of Reds. Within one week (maybe a week in a half) I was cleaned out and had made a teenage fortune. The singles were the big money maker. It was like crack. My locker at school was the stash for the packs, and I kept the singles in the pencil bag of my Trapper Keeper. My record collection was completely replenished with new additions, which if I remember correctly were:

 Circle Jerks ‘Wonderful’

 Death Angel ‘the Ultra Violence’

 Skinny Puppy ‘VIVI SECT VI’

 Faith No More ‘Introduce Yourself’

 Husker Du ‘Land Speed Record’’

D.R.I. ‘Four of a Kind’

The Smiths ‘The Queen is Dead’

Christian Death ‘Only Theatre of Pain’

Yeah, I know, I know, I was a raw little shorty! And as you can see, quite an eclectic variety. Yea well, that was way before becoming a little straight edge douche-bag, so I was still extremely open minded... and with impeccable tastes in music...

Well, that’s all I have for now. These stories are gold, and I can’t give you all of my A material in one volume, you motherfuckers need to wait  for ‘deez nuts’ like hungry little squirrels, so that when you finally get them in your mouths, you will savor them. In future issues of Tales’ (if there are future issues of Tales’) I will be revisiting more stories from this year long stint in Christian school hell. Believe me! I’ve got endless tales of teenage debauchery from those days.

But before I go here is a funny “where are they now” moment. After Christian school I lost contact with Bobby, I think he moved up north to Jacksonville. Years later, sometime around 2001, I was home one night watching the Howard Stern show on the E channel and all of the sudden there’s good ol’ white-boy Bobby Land on the Howard Stern Show being interviewed with his wife… porn star Jessica Darling! Holy Shit! The same guy I used to be a lookout for so he can get his fuck on in the back stairwell with the Whitesnake broads was now on my TV being interviewed on the Howard Stern show, married to a cum bucket porn star no less.

 True story by the way, I swear to (insert religious authority figure here).

Next time on Christian High School Sluts in Heat Gone Berserk:

My first handjob