Ami James is a douche-bag.

Ami, you look like such a needle-dick in your little shirt and tie! 

I remember a time in the frozen Pagan past when having a tattoo was some real Rock and Roll street credibility. I mean it just was not a daily event to see a tattoo being brandished around in public sight, much less full blown sleeves, neck tats, etc. Nowadays it’s common fare for just about any random garden variety douche to have a tattoo, usually being a bad reproduction of their favorite Ed Hardy t-shirt design, or some self-conceptualized artistic eye-sore which is supposed to commemorate some kind of life changing event in the most vaguely associated way,

I knew without any doubt in my mind that once the ponderously scripted reality mind torture called Miami Ink aired on TV that tattooing was the next counterculture to become douche fodder. Well it did!

EVERYBODY and their mother’s Gynecologist have a bloody tattoo now!

These tattoo “reality” shows are really fucking annoying man! The way they make it seem on these snore-fest shows you would think that people only get tattoos to record a tragedy. Every single fuck-tard on these shows with the sob fucking story! Geez, give me a break will ya!? Whatever happened to “Hey, I got a tattoo of a Chinese fucking dragon cause I got drunk and thought it was cool”? Every last one of these losers getting tattooed on these shows has some kind of traumatic experience to tell the ink-monkey. Nowadays, according to Miami Ink/LA Ink/NY Ink people get tattoos because

 they have:

[insert random tragedy here] and have grown stronger from the experience.

First of all, I’m not really sure that a real tattoo artist feels like being so chatty with their clients. I’m sure they would much rather drown you out and listen to whatever music they got going on in the background. More importantly, I think they should be concentrating on the work, never mind with the music and the chit chat! Listen if I ever get any more tattoos on my uncharacteristically pale Cuban skin, I’m going to tip the guy an extra $50 up front to keep his mouth shut. “Hey buddy, here, just shut the fuck up and finish the tat pal, ok?!”

But the “stars” of these shows are really the worst element of that formula if you ask me.  

Ami James-

 Dickhead or Douche Bag!?

You make the call!

This cock sucker is the biggest douche-bag ass-cunt ever born. What a dip-shit! Mediocre?! At best! He sucks actually. I guess he and his Ed Hardy shirts fit right into the South Beach scene when he had the Miami Ink shop. Things went sour between this douche and the network execs so the show did not get renewed. After an interview in Inked magazine where he said that he was through with reality TV, lo and behold here comes NY INK starring Ami James, another reality series, which is about 20 times douchier than the aforementioned Masengil-fest Miami Ink. I am sure that Ami is legitimately an asshole, but I think the network suits want him to up the attitude a little to give him some kind of edge and the result is an insufferable incarnation of Ami James that makes you wish he was still back in Israel doing perimeter duty on the Gaza strip (well within harm’s way of a screaming towel-head suicide bomber) rather than torturing viewers of that God-awful show. He’s a real tough guy, huh? He really plays up that whole “I’m going to punch so and so in the face” act for the cameras. Well, I’ve already told you about tough guys with shaved heads in previous rants...

Nicky Crane, the quintessential alpha-skin was a real tough guy too, till he came out of the closet with his punk ass and died of AIDS after years of gay-bashing, probably trying to drown out the call of the wild, echoing from his own latent lust for man meat. (Nicky Crane was that skinhead dude on the cover of the iconic STRENGTH THROUGH OI compilation record. He was a known supporter of the far Right National Front movement, as well as a serial homophobic aggressor. Nicky later came out of the closet the year before he eternally hung up his boots and braces.) Is that it Ami? Are you fighting sexual demons inside of you? It seems like you and that pussy-willow apprentice of yours Billy Decola might be getting into some serious glory-hole plunging action in between takes. In all fairness, I'm sure you are the top. 
Ooh, Such anger! What the fuck are you so angry about? You’re getting a sweet TV network paycheck for being a mediocre (at best) tattoo jockey with a bad attitude. Why don’t you tattoo yourself some eyebrows, you motherfucker! You look like a bouncer for Chemo-therapy night at Swinging Richards. That whole staff in that NY Ink show is just one insufferable dumb-fuck after another. From the fat Puerto Rican gay guy with the endless slew of Hole merchandise (seriously, who the fuck listens to Hole anyway?), to the dopey yet quintessential East LA style "Vato-Cholo" gangster guy (who looks extra crispy from years of Freon inhalation), to the geriatric receptionist with the bad wigs, who claims to have a Masters Degree but is on an imminent road to appearing in Bestial Scat porn... A flock of nimrods one and all, with uber-tool Ami James as the dumb-fuck ring leader!


 What happened to the counter cultures man? Tattoos used to be so cool and now it’s just for like shitheads and people who have survived a semi-terminal illness.


 Hey Ami, go fuck yourself pal! Me and my boys should have fucking destroyed that bullshit little bar of yours the night that you hosted the John Joseph book reading/pseudo CRO-MAGS show. Realistically speaking, you should be doing tramp stamps at the Opa Locka flea-market and not tattoos valued at more than $50. 


Fuck you, and that dopey shop, and every nerd that has paid a 250% mark up on a tattoo just because your worthless ass was behind the rusty AIDS tainted needle! 


Go catch a batch of HEP C in your snatch, B! 

Oh, and by the way Ami...

I nominate Chris Torres for fucking Tattoo Emperor of the Universe!!!
I love that guy!!! For all I know, he may even suck as bad as you behind a tattoo gun, but according to the NY INK script he gets under your foreskin so fucking bad (which in your case, said foreskin is visible where your eyebrows should be) that I can't help but be a fan of his boorish Brooklynite ways. And besides, you know how us grease-ball spics all stick together...


Ciao, Kojak!