Welcome to the Hell Mouth!

Abandon hope all ye who's names are ill spoken through my horrid maws...

Fire and brimstone know no allies. Not even those that made a career of invoking the names of the dark prince...

How ironic that for this installment of the Hell Mouth, the ire of damnation has fallen upon the Hell Mouth's own gatekeeper... Anton Lavey!

A horned cape?!  Seriously?!

Before I go on, let me begin by saying that I am not player-hating on the late (and not THAT great) Anton Lavey. I respect him on the same level that I would respect anyone charismatic and prolific enough to come up with some weird dogma and control the dark fixations of a segmented group of people. I can relate, as I am trying to launch my quasi-mystery school TEMPLE OF THE IRON DOVE project off of the ground. But if I may, allow me one postmortem critique on LaVey’s showmanship.

What was with the dopey horned cape?

I mean… he couldn’t have gotten something a little more ominous and a little less ‘second grade Halloween costume’ looking.

Dude, you were the messiah of modern day Satanism. You were the first Supreme Pontiff of Lucifer’s church! That made you the Pope of Rock and Roll! You made it look like fucking amateur hour. I would’ve gotten something that looks way more ominous, like the horns on that big demon motherfucker from that old Tom Cruise movie Legend. Or perhaps if he wanted to be a little more understated yet folkloric, he could have just  gotten a custom-made job with some standard long goat horns. I mean, wouldn’t that make sense? Duh, Goat Horns!  It’s so obvious.

I think even a Yankees cap would have been preferable!

 But how did he expect to be the earthly ruler of all evil with those gay little “diablito” horns. I would have run that Satanic Church ship a whole lot better... believe me! I would have made the liturgy so damn perverse and malevolent it would have even of made Satan’s head explode. I guess you can’t expect much from a religious leader who was formerly a Circus carny. But at least his religious franchise was cool for Belial’s sake. What isn’t cool about naked chicks with snakes crawling on their Hoo-Ha, lust, freewill and intellectual elitism? Some of you rich 1% idiots are out doing way dumber stuff, like adoring a former science-fiction writer named L Ron Hubbard and his Church of Scientology. What’s cool about that crap? Not a Goddamned thing! John Travolta and Tom Cruise… way not cool!  Naked chicks, snakes and Satan -Way Fucking Cool!