Monday, April 2, 2012

The Black Metal Restaurant Critic.
I started this 'Black Metal Restaurant Critic' bit when I put out Tales Of Perversion Volume 2. I know what some of you might be thinking "Oh, you're just biting off of VEGAN BLACK METAL CHEF." Some of you may be familiar with Vegan Black Metal Chef on YouTube. I myself am a big fan as well as a subscriber to his channel. I just want it to be known, that my restaurant reviews are in no way a plagiarism. The fact is that it is purely coincidental that my review of the Pad Thai in Tales 2 coincided with his Black Metal Pad Thai recipe video on YouTube! In fact, exactly one week after I pressed Tales'2 I contacted him about it and let him know about the weird Co-Inky-Dink. I also offered to send him a copy of Tales' 2 but he never responded with a mailing address. I guess he thought I was going to go all Count Grishnach on his Ass! Pussy Ass Bitch! Anyways, I'm the originator of this goof, so Vegan Black Metal Bitch can blow me...
Now, on to the bit... but first let me change into my Black Metal persona...

I know, I know... the striped Polo shirt isn't very atmospheric. It's Miami style Black Metal, we're a tropical people my brother!
This month I have most infernally chosen to feast on the flesh and bones of my burnt satanic offerings in North Miami Beach’s unholy chapel of high priced Asian dining, Oishi Thai (14841 Biscayne Blvd North Miami BeachFL 33181). The eve of the diabolical feast went as such…
I begin my malevolent incantations of abomination at this eatery by cursing their inferior wine crypt. As the sacrificial Asian waitress approached my feasting altar to ask if I wanted to begin with a ritual chalice of wine, I ordered a bottle of Satan’s Blood 1972 from the Infernal Winter Vineyard. She said they didn’t have it. So I was stuck with a Merlot. As I gazed upon the menu scrolls I did not find my favorite Asian fare of Black Cat killed on midnight Friday the 13th, stewed in goat’s blood. So, to quench my Transylvanian hunger I looked up at the silvery winter-moon and summoned the Shrimp Pad Thai. They took a dark century to serve my meal. When it finally arrived, I was buried by time and dust. I noticed a peculiar smell emanating from my Pad Thai and as I tasted the unholy meal… It was burnt, like my parents’ church back home in Norway! How do you fuck up Pad Thai at a Thai joint? So, for your abominable desecration of my unholy feast, I curse you for all dark eternity. Next time I’d rather go to Dimmu Burger.
Reprinted from Tales of Perversion Zine Volume 2
Burnt Offerings Aftermath!
I shall now loosen the sixth seal from my Charmin hell scroll, and tell you a tale from the Pagan past, inscribed onto the infernal fecal parchment, on the eve upon which I returned to my dungeon of devilishness from that horrid feast of Pad Thai swill, that I wouldn't serve to my winter-wolves. I would serve it only to JESUS!..
“As I sit upon the infernal white porcelain throne I call upon the sleeping titan nestled in my bowels of hell. Arise, oh great Behemoth of my fecal waste. Come forth from the gates of my colon with your unholy putrid stench. As the beast awakens, my entrails twist in excruciating agony. I recite the ancient incantation of conjuring. Shemhamforash... Let this 666 pound log of Lucifer be brought forth into the Earth and wreak its unholy mayhem upon the plumbing. The great ancient one begins his descent down the pits of my inner hell. I scream out at the winter moon in agonizing infernal torment as the mighty Behemoth’s size is larger than the ritual earth portal (aka my bung-hole). With a furious splatter the enormous brown caca-demon lets out a demonic bellow and falls into the depths of the whirlpool of souls. Circling once... circling twice... then sinking deep into the murky waters of the river Styx (or the Miami sewer system) to do Satan’s bidding. I sigh in relief, and open the scrolls of Charmin, where it shall be written, and it also shall be done, recorded for dark centuries in bloody shit-stains"

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