OK kids, here we go, you’re Lord and Fucking Master is back with another one of my infallible top 10 lists.

TOP 10 RECORDS TO FUCK TO

10. Sade “Love Deluxe” Why number 10? Because it’s too obvious a choice to list any of her albums, on the count that the she's pretty much a staple of splack-jams! The beautiful, boner inspiring, Anglo-Nigerian Sade’s music has long been responsible for a whole lot of exchanges of body fluids, so again, her records are kind of the go-to choice for a foreplay-list, or a Get-On-All-Fours list. But regardless, no list of this kind would be complete without her, and Love Deluxe is a classy, sexy album that’ll have most of you and your squeeze’s body cavities filled with objects in a cinch. More suitable for lovemaking than for dirty, sweaty pig-fucking, but not exclusively… 

9.  Guns and Roses “Appetite for Destruction” Forget about ‘Sweet Child of Mine’, this sleaze-fest is perfect for an all-out blood-lust orgy in the champagne room. Cuts like ‘It’s So Easy’, ‘My Michelle’ and ‘Rocket Queen’ have always proven themselves perfectly gritty scores to set the mood for you and the 3^rd string girls from the BOOBY TRAP’s day shift to have a little private party and combine Herpes strains. C-Section scars and bullet wounds galore!

8. The Sun Ra Arkestra meets Salah Ragab in Egypt

When harpooning broads of a higher caliber, and playing a Sade joint is too obvious a strategy, this little doozy is guaranteed mood lubricant. The extraterrestrial, Avant-Garde genius Sun Ra descended from the most remote regions of outer space to team up with the leader of the Cairo Jazz Ensemble to bring you this intergalactic mother-ship ride towards Planet Pleasure where panties, thongs, and G-strings inevitably go into zero gravity. Sorry for the space pun, it was a little hacky.

7. Lush “Spooky”  Dave Rojo is probably saying "Lush? You're sooo Alternative!" I discovered this record as a freshman in High School, as the band was fresh off of the first ever Lollapalooza, about a year before I had first tasted the delights of a woman’s sexual cookie jar. (Yea, I wasn't a sophomore until I was able to convince some poor girl into being naked with me... Go ahead, laugh.) This joint (an early torchbearer for what we unfortunately now know as ‘shoegaze’ in some remote way) has this ethereal quality throughout which reminds me of the unearthly feel of getting laid. Miki Berenyi and Emma Anderson’s forest nymph-like vocals over the jangly but textured guitars (and proper ambience) make for an adequate and effective soundtrack

6. Samhain “Unholy Passion” I already got into this back in TALES Zine Vol.2, so I won’t get into it too much, but let me just remind you of the opening words to that album: “Unholy passion, I feel for you, this thing that hangs down my leg I feel for you”. Enough said! By the way, get a load of that Brillo-like clump of hair pie on that Succubus! And by the way, I would just like to mention in passing that I don't think little Glen Danzig has anything that "hangs" down his leg! Typically, guys built like him can barely clear their zipper. His pubes might be longer than his cock! Anyways, if you're like me, you think evil is sexy, and if that's the case then this stroll down the dark alleys of morbid Punk is a delight. 

5. Tricky “Maxinquaye” In my experimentation with trip-hop, I came across this wonderfully odd record by the South African e-Music Svengali, Tricky. Here’s a lyrical excerpt: “Where there’s trust there’ll be treats, and when we fuck we’ll hear beats”. The beats on this thing are clearly conceived when Tricky’s sleepy consciousness expands. And if all “Ass-getting” attempts fail, then let me tell you from personal experience, this is the perfect record for when you get that animal urge, mid hallucinogenic experience, to masturbate. I did. And when I finally reached orgasm, I saw such pretty colors in such peculiar shapes and patterns.  

4. Led Zeppelin (any of the first three albums) I mean, Come On! These guys made a virtual career of banging groupies, allegedly, or at the very least they were wizards at casting that image. Some may argue that except for Bonzo, these chaps were actually quite mild-mannered and polite, like British people from Kubrick flicks. Zeppelin’s groove sound was really sexual to begin with, and Robert Plant’s way-with-words descriptions of “how she shakes that thing” are as good a testament as any to the power of merging the 3 pillars of our infernal faith, SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK AND ROLL! Bang your girlfriend to “Since I’ve Been Loving You Babe”, and then thank me later. That is probably one of the greatest Rock and Roll jams ever written. I wonder what he meant by “Gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting” in "Whole Lotta Love"? To me, that sounds like the song’s muse may have needed a penicillin shot, or two, especially after being part of these guys’ daisy chain of Vag... allegedly...

3. Christian Death “Only Theatre of Pain” Back in the Samhain review, I told you that I have a hankering for some Evil blended in to my fuck-time frolics. Well this bad boy is as good an album as any for the theme music. Rozz William’s voice all throughout this evil-as-fuck slab of macabre proto-pre-post-punk sounds as if he’s getting his prostate massaged by Mephistopheles himself. And say what you will about his dubious sexual pursuits, Rozz got himself plenty of pussy, probably twice as much as the amount of dick that he got too… allegedly! If you’re nailing a Goth broad and slip this thing in, be prepared for the explosion of vampire lust that you will unleash. Just make sure that by banging with this thing playing in the background that you don’t accidentally open a portal when Rozz starts those weird backward-spoken verses! You know what Aleister used to always say about fucking, sex juices and their relation to ritual magick! A creepy LP, so don’t be alarmed if you go limp the first time you get your fuck on to this…

2. Dead Meadow “Shivering King and Others” Alright, you want to talk about a sexy-ass record? This is some of the best stoner rock I’ve come across in my acute, recently acquired interest in that scene. We are talking about some big, BIG riffs here with fuzzier muff than a Ron Jeremy versus Vanessa Del Rio flick. (Talk about 'the fur will fly'.) Yet at the same time it incorporates some beautiful melody throughout the joint with this quiet, watery kind of production that just takes you to a time and place before AIDS when boys can be boys, girls can be girls, and getting it on with the black-lite on and the lava lamp oozing was common fare. On a rainy day like this… give me a minute… (2 minutes and 35 minutes later): Yep, I know what I’m telling you. Just banged out my wife to “Golden Cloud”, and it was epic. But here’s a better litmus test for you: Listen to “Good Moanin”, and imagine that you’re on an episode of That 70’s Show, and you’re playing the bad boy rebel, locked in the back of his custom built, Hash-smoke filled '76 Chevy van with an air-brushed scene on the outside panel of some Viking carrying some Valkyrie with big tits up a snowy mountain with his pet Wolf trailing behind, while a cosmically aware (and pleasantly damp) Mila Kunis is locked in there with you… Enjoy!

And now, for the number one Fuck Album, drum roll, no, better yet... let me get a motherfucking blast beat please…

The number 1 record to make sweet, sweet love to is:

Beherit “The Oath of Black Blood”- For when you really want to give a real serious diabolic Black Metal booty pounding…

No, No, I’m just kidding! Can you imagine, though? That’d be fucking brutal!

Alright, I’ll stop fucking around…

Alright, do it again, Blast beat please…

The number 1 album to get some wang dang sweet poon tang to is:

1. The Stooges “Funhouse” I have to be honest about something. The first time I heard The Stooges, they fucked me all up. Why? Because when I was 16, my punk-zine mentor 'Punk Seba' handed me some crazy VHS tape that contained bestiality porn, and the opening scene was of some 70's chick (with quintessentially dense pubic bush) getting head from Man’s Best Friend while “I Wanna Be Your Dog” played in the background. Yuck! She even blew his lipstick! Fucking Nauseating! Needless to say, this was a traumatic experience.

But many years and still even more LSD doses later, after reaching a level of moral bankruptcy and acquiring new heights in sexual aberration where I can find that kind of thing humorous if nothing else, I can revisit the Stooges again without bias.

If you hear Tony Bourdain tell it, when his possible favorite record of all time came out, you were an outcast for digging it. Don’t know why that would be, but this thing is as gritty and primal as rock and roll could have gotten back then. And the wild, nihilistic presence of the band’s legendary front-man Iggy Pop exuded sexuality, in his weird, gender bending, and Heroin-chic kind of way. But just listen to the record when in good company; cook up a couple of spoons of your best China White, spike up, and ride your silky cloud to pleasure land.

There’s just such an authentic, unbridled savagery to the Stooges! They have that good old-American, “banging slutty bartenders” vibe to them. “TV Eye” I think possesses this quality the most on this one. Listen to “Dirt”, and sink into that post-sex Heroin nod. And in case you have the sexual prowess to last till the last song on the record “LA Blues”, than you should enjoy one hell of a money-shot, to one hell of a sexy jam. A big payoff for everyone involved!

Congratulations Iggy, you and the boys took the coveted number one slot!

By the way, as for the bestiality VHS, you don't know what Bukkake really is till you've seen two broads take a horse's load. Yikes!....