Saturday, May 19, 2012

Do you not think that I find it painful that a group of dudes that look like this, got way more action than I ever did in college?

Today, Comedy Central screened the 1984 classic 'Revenge Of The Nerds'. As I was laying in my bed, nursing a body racked with pain from a near-fatal car accident, my tongue swirling and useless under the effects of 10mg of Diazepam, I seized the chance to take a trip down memory lane and locked in my faltering attention span. Honestly, I had nothing better to do anyways...

(B.T.W. ... as for my accident.., nice try Jesus. You thought that this time you finally had me in your nail-pierced clutches. You thought you were going to kill Pig Diamond, but again I dodged the hit that you and the holy ghost put out on my ass. Real G's don't die, we perversify*! Your avenging angels bungled the hit! 
You gonna see me, player, believe that!)

[* perversify= a word used exclusively by Pig Latin from Tales of Perversion Zine which means to pervert]

A definitive film tour de force of it's time, this fine piece of American cinema was the quintessential manifesto for persecuted underdogs of all categories. I was roughly about 10 years old when I first viewed this epic masterpiece, but I was already quite aware of my pre-ordained fate to never be able to "blend in" with these walking, talking Shit-Puppets called mankind. Naturally it was my early discovery of my overpowering inability to be "normal", coupled with the lack of desire to be as such, that helped me to totally identify with this timeless feel-good classic.  

 'Nerd' is a term with such a loosely defined description that even satan-worshipping, drug addled, long-hair misanthropes can fall under that umbrella, so I may have well been a nerd, a dork, etc. Regardless of this, Revenge Of The Nerds gave a young, wide-eyed Pig Latin hope that college would be a glorious time of my life. According to the cinematographic vision of director Jeff Kanew, my college years would be a string of debauched, yet formative events such as:

 -Installing hidden cameras all throughout a women's dormitory for leisure 
peeping in real time

-Panty raids with the old school Mission Impossible theme song as background music

-Joining an all Black fraternity


-Smoking impressively large joints purveyed by someone who is named after a bodily

-Sharing living quarters with two total dorks, a Japanese immigrant, a horny 12 year old Aerodynamics genius, a nose-picking scumbag, and a highly effeminate, gay black man with a silver headband 

-The incognito banging of the school quarterback's girlfriend (which would technically have constituted grounds for rape charges) 
[That particular scene was one of my earliest recurring bits of whacking material]

-Going toe to toe with the "beautiful"people in a class struggle that would culminate in my Proto-Prog, Nerd punk, Synth-wave Industrial, Hip-Hop, Rock project totally rocking out at the big Homecoming

Well, it didn't quite work out that way. As I remember it, setting foot in a college campus did not magically turn a lifetime of social awkwardness into impetus for overcoming the odds ala 80's film standards. 
 In retrospect, the college years came and went for me and I did not see a single piece of naked trim in hidden camera footage, I raided not one prized Panty drawer, I did not find a single Black fraternity that would accept my lily-white Cuban ass, I saw no nudity (that I hadn't paid for) accept for my own pathetic masculine frame in the mirror after a shower or during auto-eroticism, and I did not sexually violate a star athlete's upper-crust, blonde cheerleader cum-bucket. 
So, despite my love for his visionary contribution to the artistic zeitgeist, I would like to tell director Jeff Kanew to fucking blow me. Thanks a lot for polluting the mind of an impressionable young lad with the idea that college would be the venue where the oppressed would totally own the Bourgeoisie. You totally distorted the truth of what my stint in the hallways of  higher education would really be like... 

I would like to say to Jeff Kanew, fellow Sagittarius and hack director of other works of high cinema such as Gotcha!, Tough Guys, and V.I. Warshawski... 
Vete Pa' La Pinga! Singao! 
Now if you gringos reading this could just find a Cuban to translate it for you, you'd be all set...

I did smoke several hundred pounds of weed, purveyed by myself.

And as a side note: Let this be a lesson to all you worthless Scrotum-spawn degenerates reading this. If you aspire to go to college someday, don't! It's not worth it! It is nowhere near the suggestions of ROTN or other college films such as Animal House. And if you're in college currently, drop out! You're wasting time on an education that you will never use, because as soon as you graduate, well... let's just say... Good Luck finding a job fuck wad! I'll see you at your graveyard shift at 7-11 when I come in to buy a couple of Dutch Masters, a quart of Olde English, a tube of Prep' H and a scratch-off game. 

We can still be roomies if you like, Chico!

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