Christian Jerk-Offs
Bob Larson, alias Bobby Ginger, began his racket, er ministry, in the 60's. He made his main focus to attack any and all things that resembled non-fundamentalism, sexual suggestive rock lyrics, mysticism and anti-social behavior. In other words, he opened fire on any and all things that made America circa the 60's a happening place. Bob broke into the biz by penning books dealing with the then taboo topic of the "occult infiltration of our youth." The dude was pumping out a book every two years from 1967 all the way through 2001, all of which served their purpose of whipping the christian hordes into a mouth-foaming frenzy of paranoia.
If you think back to the social currents of the era where Bob takes his upstart, all of the focal points of his so-called spiritual warfare were elements of the flourishing counter-culture of the time. The growing anti-war sentiments of the time caused a fear that the country would tilt all the way to the left. Rock and Roll had just exited the Ice Cream shop and entered the Whore-house. In a collective state of psychedelic inspired groovy-ness, people started to seek alternatives to the same old dogmas, and so everyone from the Maharishi to Anton LaVey, from Srila Prahbupada to Aleister Crowley, would find that would-be devotees would come a dime a dozen.
Ultimately, it was mass paranoia and the mainstream's fear of the groovy vibrations ushered in by the dawning of the age of Aquarius that created a nice little cottage industry for Bob Larson to suck blood from. People wanted to read about the secret perversions of the black mass, where a turnip would be dipped into a naked woman's coochie-coo, and then passed around to be nibbled by all present in some inverse unholy communion ritual. Bible youth groups all across the country were creaming themselves to be able to finally hear the "satanic" messages found back-masked in Stairway To Heaven. Christianity at this point had discovered it's version of the Barnum/Bailey unicorn, which was nothing more than an old mule with a conical birthday hat glued to it's forehead. In continuity with the words of Satan's old wing-man Anton Lavey, when he said that "Satan has been the best friend that the church has ever had", the stony 60's and the SATANIC PANIC of the 80's made a couple of enterprising "Christian" movers and shakers into very wealthy men.
Later on in the 80's, Bob started TALK BACK, a 2 hour call-in show which was centered around exposing the occult undertones of Role Playing games and Rock music. As he gained a stronger following, consisting of many toothless backwoods genetic experiments gone awry, who can play dueling banjos with their toes... all six of them. Now this was a real fucking carnival. As time would pass and his audience started to pan out, Bob cranked up the sensationalist hysteria up to 11 ala Spinal Tap amps, and what came of it was Christian radio's answer to Pro-Wrestling. It was Christ on parade, with regular appearances from special guests such as occult luminaries Zeena Lavey (daughter of Anton, blonde barbie doll of Beelzebub's bosom, and the first lady of Satan) and Nikolas Schreck (Church of Satan big-wig, who's real name is Barry Dubin, yikes, Barry?). The Wrestle Mania-like A material of his show came from the times when Death Metal Dip-Shit Glen Benton of DEICIDE went toe to hoof with Bob, live and on the air. Some of the clips I've found on YouTube are fucking hysterical; and Glen Benton is as cheese-filled as Bob is, believe me. Bob would fire off fiery Christian rhetoric at Glen who would counter with his hilarious 'creepy sinister' voice; kind of like that Undertaker chap. In between segments of their encounters, Bob would figuratively pass the donations plate to his listeners, soliciting donations never less than $100, in return for useless junk such as his own books and, get this, if you ordered now, he would even throw in an Amy Grant album. "Wow! You know, I wasn't going to pledge a donation, but then Bob said Amy Grant album, I was all in!" This prick even ended up in Norway somewhere trying to exorcise the demons from out of Necro-Butcher from MAYHEM (whom was surprisingly polite and well-behaved.) Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Bob also made a pretty decent coin in the business of phony exorcisms.
Perhaps I would have some appreciation of the exorcism bit if it was done professionally, as in using better actors or snazzy special effects other than the obvious spilt-pea soup projectile vomiting, even though even that would make watching them pretty entertaining. But you get none of that! You get half-assed demon "possessions" played with horrible acting which is humorous only half of the time. Go take a peep or two at some of the clips on YouTube, you'll see what I mean...
If you think back to the social currents of the era where Bob takes his upstart, all of the focal points of his so-called spiritual warfare were elements of the flourishing counter-culture of the time. The growing anti-war sentiments of the time caused a fear that the country would tilt all the way to the left. Rock and Roll had just exited the Ice Cream shop and entered the Whore-house. In a collective state of psychedelic inspired groovy-ness, people started to seek alternatives to the same old dogmas, and so everyone from the Maharishi to Anton LaVey, from Srila Prahbupada to Aleister Crowley, would find that would-be devotees would come a dime a dozen.
Ultimately, it was mass paranoia and the mainstream's fear of the groovy vibrations ushered in by the dawning of the age of Aquarius that created a nice little cottage industry for Bob Larson to suck blood from. People wanted to read about the secret perversions of the black mass, where a turnip would be dipped into a naked woman's coochie-coo, and then passed around to be nibbled by all present in some inverse unholy communion ritual. Bible youth groups all across the country were creaming themselves to be able to finally hear the "satanic" messages found back-masked in Stairway To Heaven. Christianity at this point had discovered it's version of the Barnum/Bailey unicorn, which was nothing more than an old mule with a conical birthday hat glued to it's forehead. In continuity with the words of Satan's old wing-man Anton Lavey, when he said that "Satan has been the best friend that the church has ever had", the stony 60's and the SATANIC PANIC of the 80's made a couple of enterprising "Christian" movers and shakers into very wealthy men.
Later on in the 80's, Bob started TALK BACK, a 2 hour call-in show which was centered around exposing the occult undertones of Role Playing games and Rock music. As he gained a stronger following, consisting of many toothless backwoods genetic experiments gone awry, who can play dueling banjos with their toes... all six of them. Now this was a real fucking carnival. As time would pass and his audience started to pan out, Bob cranked up the sensationalist hysteria up to 11 ala Spinal Tap amps, and what came of it was Christian radio's answer to Pro-Wrestling. It was Christ on parade, with regular appearances from special guests such as occult luminaries Zeena Lavey (daughter of Anton, blonde barbie doll of Beelzebub's bosom, and the first lady of Satan) and Nikolas Schreck (Church of Satan big-wig, who's real name is Barry Dubin, yikes, Barry?). The Wrestle Mania-like A material of his show came from the times when Death Metal Dip-Shit Glen Benton of DEICIDE went toe to hoof with Bob, live and on the air. Some of the clips I've found on YouTube are fucking hysterical; and Glen Benton is as cheese-filled as Bob is, believe me. Bob would fire off fiery Christian rhetoric at Glen who would counter with his hilarious 'creepy sinister' voice; kind of like that Undertaker chap. In between segments of their encounters, Bob would figuratively pass the donations plate to his listeners, soliciting donations never less than $100, in return for useless junk such as his own books and, get this, if you ordered now, he would even throw in an Amy Grant album. "Wow! You know, I wasn't going to pledge a donation, but then Bob said Amy Grant album, I was all in!" This prick even ended up in Norway somewhere trying to exorcise the demons from out of Necro-Butcher from MAYHEM (whom was surprisingly polite and well-behaved.) Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Bob also made a pretty decent coin in the business of phony exorcisms.
Perhaps I would have some appreciation of the exorcism bit if it was done professionally, as in using better actors or snazzy special effects other than the obvious spilt-pea soup projectile vomiting, even though even that would make watching them pretty entertaining. But you get none of that! You get half-assed demon "possessions" played with horrible acting which is humorous only half of the time. Go take a peep or two at some of the clips on YouTube, you'll see what I mean...
I am taking a wild stab at the wind here, but if you figure in his appearance fees, what he charges for exorcisms ($500 a pop), royalties from his 21 books, the crappy merchandise that he hocks, and his tax-free donations, this prick is probably raking in a little bit more than half a million dollars a year. Not to mention all his travel and expense is covered by the "ministry." Documents from his 1991 divorce (which was brought on in part by his appetite for non-pious extra-marital poon-tang) valued his marital assets at $1.4 million (in tax-free dough-ray-me), making him a top-feeder in the religious Snake Oil biz. The thing is, Bob comes on the air constantly with a song and a dance about the ministry "struggling to stay afloat." What a God Damned, Motherfucking Cocksucker! I'm not a bible scholar, but isn't there something in the big book about JC going surly in the temple because people were doing some way heavy commerce in God's house? And I think I remember hearing some other bible bullshit about it's easier for a camel to go up a rich guy's asshole then it is for the rich prick to get into heaven. Did I get it right?
(Oh and by the way, sometime in the late 70's, he wrote a book called the Book of Family Issues which condemned divorce. The year of the book's publishing, Larson and his wife began counseling for their marriage, which was on the rocks. A couple of years after that, they were getting divorced. If there's one thing Christians are consistent in, it's hypocrisy.)
Bob Larson Ministries, or whatever the fuck his Corporation is recognized as by the IRS is a cash cow. In the time honored tradition of the family business, Bob has brought his 'cunting daughters' in on all the exorcism shenanigans right alongside him (did you catch the SLAYER reference?). That's right friends! His pristine Christ-whores are now Drive-Thru Demon Police. They're like the Corleone's of Christianity! They're the Partridges of prayer circles!
I'm currently taking bets here at the Tales of Perversion Offices (aka the Dark Tower of Doom, Despair, Desolation, and Disgust) on what exactly will be the nature of the imminent scandal involving the Larson lasses. My crisp C-note says that at least one of them will be caught in an all out Pagan Lesbo Lick-Fest. Bestiality may also be involved. Fuck it, double or nothing, I say that they'll catch Bob filming it while "exorcising his own demon" (if you catch my drift) to the lascivious scene.
What? At this point, after the Jim Bakers, the Jimmy Swaggarts, and the Ted Haggards of the world, would it surprise you to hear of such perversions being performed by "Christian" leaders. Well, it shouldn't. Repression is a funny thing in how it works. Lots of these soap-box, doomsday-type preachers go on 'jihads' against very specific "abominations" because they themselves have a taste for that particular serving of forbidden fruit. It's like some kind of self-loathing thing. That, or it's a ruse to conceal their true nature which they feel ashamed of. Like Ted Haggard's crusade against Gay marriage, opening up a mouth every minute about the gays this and abomination that, meanwhile, the whole time he was getting butt-slammed by male escorts in seedy motels that reeked of Brut Faberge, Astro-Glide and crystal Meth smoke.
I'm currently taking bets here at the Tales of Perversion Offices (aka the Dark Tower of Doom, Despair, Desolation, and Disgust) on what exactly will be the nature of the imminent scandal involving the Larson lasses. My crisp C-note says that at least one of them will be caught in an all out Pagan Lesbo Lick-Fest. Bestiality may also be involved. Fuck it, double or nothing, I say that they'll catch Bob filming it while "exorcising his own demon" (if you catch my drift) to the lascivious scene.
What? At this point, after the Jim Bakers, the Jimmy Swaggarts, and the Ted Haggards of the world, would it surprise you to hear of such perversions being performed by "Christian" leaders. Well, it shouldn't. Repression is a funny thing in how it works. Lots of these soap-box, doomsday-type preachers go on 'jihads' against very specific "abominations" because they themselves have a taste for that particular serving of forbidden fruit. It's like some kind of self-loathing thing. That, or it's a ruse to conceal their true nature which they feel ashamed of. Like Ted Haggard's crusade against Gay marriage, opening up a mouth every minute about the gays this and abomination that, meanwhile, the whole time he was getting butt-slammed by male escorts in seedy motels that reeked of Brut Faberge, Astro-Glide and crystal Meth smoke.
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| The red-head looks like she has some heavy mileage on her already! Ay-Oh, Bob, I got something your daughters can come and exorcise, right here... |
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| A shameless opportunity to flaunt my new summer body |
Come exorcise the salty demon in my Speedos!
It's people like Bob that start pissing in the ears of religious fanatics, and they in turn make life impossible for their kids, who just want to rock out and wear a Christ-fucking Iron Maiden t-shirt. I should know, I was one of those kids. Bob Larson's books and videos would somehow make it to my mother's church group when I was a kid, and it resulted in the old lady raiding my room (using the vomit-inducing gospel as her search warrant) and confiscating all of my "contraband." I was able to salvage some pieces of my rock and roll paraphernalia, which I ended up having to stash in my school locker. It was preacher-creatures like Bob who gave many parents a blueprint for establishing a totalitarian state over their kids, inciting them into the Stalin-like erasure of any shred of subversive, non-Amy Grant, non-Christ State approved materials.
What's with all the exorcising and devil-hating anyways? What? Everybody has to be into Jesus? The whole world has to be converted and forced to share your views? Then what? If, hypothetically speaking, you douche-bags manage to evangelize everybody, what will you have left to do? Not a God Damned thing! Face it Bob, evil demoniacs such as myself, Glen Benton, and the rest of our ilk keep you up and running. We are your raison d'etre. You need us around to give you something to shake a stick at. Thou art not shit without Satan, Sex and Rock and Roll, because the right-hand's fear of us is what lets you afford to live like a fucking boss with a couple of million stashed in your young, twenty-something year old wife's twat. Cocksucker! I hate you Christian motherfuckers!
Attention, my malevolent legions of the night, I summon thee...
Let's break some balls.
The phone number to Bob's church is:
(303) 980-1511
Have a fucking field day on his punk ass...
but listen, do me a favor will ya?...
Keep it non-threatening, you jerk-offs...
no bomb scares please!
Shit, I think I smell a contest here! If anybody cranks these assholes and records it, let me know, there might be something nice in it for you!
Let's break some balls.
The phone number to Bob's church is:
(303) 980-1511
Have a fucking field day on his punk ass...
but listen, do me a favor will ya?...
Keep it non-threatening, you jerk-offs...
no bomb scares please!
Shit, I think I smell a contest here! If anybody cranks these assholes and records it, let me know, there might be something nice in it for you!
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