FEAR AND LOATHING AT MY SHRINK'S OFFICE

One of the main occupational hazards of being the quintessential miserable prick that i am is that the triggers are everywhere. Seriously! I can go from zero to surly in zero seconds flat over the most random and insignificant shit; hence why I’m sitting here in a head-shrink’s lobby awaiting my three o’clock, seeking solace and sympathy (for a fee of about $150 an hour.)

So here I am, flipping through the April 15, 2013 issue of TIME Magazine, minding my own business, not knowing that I was about to be detonated. As I came upon the page which inspired this rant, I was sent into a tizzy.

I don’t know what business this ass-bag Pete Wentz has doing in the pages of what I presumed to be a publication dealing mostly with important issues. How is he even relevant enough to be in there? This is TIME Magazine!!! Oh, now I remember why… He was plugging his new book. Who even knew this cock-smoker could write?

I’m going to print here the exact, verbatim quote from this fucking douche-lord in that issue of TIME that I was peeping, and you tell me if it’s my over the top rage getting the best of me, or if this guy is the most hate-enabling person ever to have a pair of skinny jeans press against his man-gina …

“For me, if I hadn’t ever had a chance to hear an album like [Green Day’s] Dookie, I don’t know where I would have ended up, heading down the path that I was on. If anything, we want to be a band like that. Maybe the idea is we’re not trying to save big-R rock ‘n’ roll because big-R rock ‘n’ roll is a thing. It’s, like, leather jackets. But we do want to promote little-R rock ‘n’ roll, which is an attitude, a perspective on life. We feel like little-R rock ‘n’ roll is 2 Chainz and Kanye West and Lena Dunham and people like that.”

I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give me a sec…. I really need to vent after reading that again… Standby…

First of all, where do I even begin… You FUCKING ASSHOLE! Green Day’s Dookie?! Really?! That’s where this pussy-clot got his point of reference from? One of the worst, most vaginal, irritating fucking records ever recorded! Dude, at my high-school, myself and the few couple of wolves that I ran with would terrorize anyone who scrawled GREEN DAY on their Jansport book-bag! That record inspired an entire generation of pussy-asses to become even more pussy-assed, and I'm no forensic sociologist, but I'll bet the contents of my scrotum sac that this Dookie record was one of the key ingredients in creating this current generation of teen-aged idiots...

Also, I love it how he kind of implies that Dookie is some kind of life-changing record with that comment he made about the "path he was on"? What path was that Pete? Being the maitre' d at a West Hollywood glory-hole, you desgraciado...

Second, I like how this turd-burglar mentions his “band” in the same sentence with the hallowed term Rock n’ Roll. YOU FUCKING CUNT! I don’t know what the fuck that ‘leather jackets’ comment you made even means, but one thing is for sure you little bitch, I’d take a leather jacket any day over skinny jeans, blouses, scarves and those Emo-fag haircuts you've prescribed to since the day you signed a record deal! You fucking, goddamned human shit-stain…. I wish someone could explain to this foreskin gobbler that anyone who has ever been in cahoots with Ashlee fucking Simpson automatically loses all right to even utter the words rock n’ roll, you snatch-face! 

Hey, were your wedding vows lip-synced too?

Perhaps Pete Wentz can explain to me how 2 Chainz (who?) Kanye West, and the vomit-inducing Lena Dunham are “little rock n’ roll”, let alone rock n’ roll at all! Kanye West is hardly rock n’ roll, and the fact that this cunt would put his self in any kind of league or figurative association with that jack-off Kanye is proof in itself of just how un-rock n’ roll this piece of dick-snot is.

To make it even worse, as if conjuring the name of Kanye West wasn’t bad enough, this twat-wash actually goes further to name fucking Lena Dunham as another kind of rock n’ roll luminary. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? LENA DUNHAM?  

What the fuck has Lena Dunham done besides show her Nat-Geo, flap-jack tits gratuitously on HBO. That little hack Lena Dunham is a silver-spooned cunt, the daughter of some well-to-do bourgeoisie artist named Carrol Dunham, a dude who has made a career of painting disturbingly reddened, open vaginas with abnormally long pubes. Her TV show, well... sucks! It’s uninteresting, and owes it’s critical success to the “controversy” revolving Dunham’s constant nudity on screen. In reality, all that this snaggle-toothed little frump Dunham has done is re-write Sex and The City, only she swapped the characters out from boring, sexed-up, middle-aged broads to boring hipsters.  What the FUCK makes her rock n’ roll? The only far reaching association she may have to R-n-R is that she’s as hideous as Janis Joplin.

 Lena Dunham? Give me a fucking break!

As for you, Captain Cocksucker Pete Wentz, your little quote just ruined my visit to the shrink. I had come here focused, with a clear line of thoughts that I wanted to delve into with my shrink. I wanted to tell him about my first erection, and how my mother saw it and shamed me for it. I wanted to tell him about the insights that this memory had given me into my female/mommy issues. Instead, I will probably get into a one hour diatribe on how music is dead and how that is a reflection of the state of our culture. This will more than likely be followed by my prophesying  on how it will only get worse from here, instead of talking about the time that I saw my dad in the shower with his hideously uncircumcised cock, looking like a fleshy Santa hat and then wondering if I was of a different race or species than him because my pee-pee looked different than his.

You sir, have always been,  and will always be...

As for the shrink, he’ll sit through it all. I am, after all, by his own admission, his favorite client. I believe him, too. I’m sure he gets bored of seeing trophy wives 5 days a week who see a shrink for weight-loss purposes. First World Problems!!!!