Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Come on Lena... Your knees are never closed shut...
Lena Dunham and the horrors of a husband living in a single TV household

Some of the most important life lessons that I have learned have come through my marriage, now more than halfway to our Tin celebration. My wife has done a magnificent job of domesticating your once savage Lord and Master; I'm not sure if that's a testament to the power of her feminine wiles or an indictment against my conquered manhood. Among these important life lessons, I have been taught the value of sharing by my beloved, particularly as the lesson applies to the use of our singular household television. Over here at 'Casa de Perversions', sharing a set basically means the wife watches whatever the fuck she wants! So naturally in the fine, long tradition of defeated, downtrodden husbands, I have been forced to assimilate the ways of my emotional/sexual colonizer. How have I been able to do that you ask? Well, you just have to look for the testosterone lining to the estrogen cloud. 75% percent of the time, this is achieved because of a hot chick. For example, the wife loves AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. The downside there is that I have to sit through an hour of nutty broads that are completely delusional in thinking that posing for a snapshot is important social work as well as it is a physically and emotionally draining profession. The upside is that Tyra Banks is a hot piece of ass and you get to see her here and there in different outfits throughout the show, so you just teach yourself to look forward to those segments and that helps you get by. See where I'm going with this? I've learned to do the same with PROJECT RUNWAY (with Heidi Klum, and her incomparable legs) and TOP CHEF (with Padma Laksmi who is extremely underrated as a hot chick.)

 (When she tunes in to any of the Real Housewives, well, that's when I rely on earphones and the internet cause there's just nothing there to fluff your pillow to!)

For the most part, I've been pretty tolerant of my domestic oppressor. Even when she started watching season 1 of the HBO series GIRLS, created, written by and starring new found media pseudo-darling Lena Dunham. This show was a tough sell for me even after my systematic domestication because after an episode or two I quickly came to the conclusion that the hot chick count was nil on this thing. Well, Allison Williams is a good looking broad, but more on her later. I was going to have to learn to like the content... or else! Some of it was OK I guess. The plot had some hook to it, mainly due to extremely awkward and somewhat disturbing sexual situations and commentary. But still, the irritating characters and the seemingly intentional portrayal of hipsters being hipsters in a hipster world dealing with hipster problems in a hipster's perspective remained the underlying subtext for me and so the season one finale was followed by a sigh of relief from my afflicted psyche.

I kind of didn't figure there would be a season two. And here we are, halfway through the sophomore effort, and in the name of my testicles, I'm putting my fucking foot down! I mean... What The Fuck already?! This show is lowering my sperm count by the millions with every single viewing and I've had enough. 

There is no visible effort in this show's writing to even give the likeness of a plot. It's basically just become Lena Dunham's vehicle for her to self indulge her fantasies of being this hipster avatar that'll fill the gap that wasn't left by that broad from Sex and the City. You know the one. The one who is often on the receiving end of equine oriented insults. Sadly, I hate to admit that the difference is Sex and The City was a lot less vapid, though the premise is not-that-loosely similar (a female writer, sleeping around a New York burrow, etc.) Lena basically just writes herself into a different sex scene every week with just some random dude, under believable circumstances or not. In last week's episode, she randomly meets some handsome, mid 40's Doctor who is recently separated from his wife, and bangs him. And wait, here's the insult to injured intellect, he asks her to stay the morning after, and bangs her again... like, while completely sober!  Really? I mean, a halfway decent looking MD can find a suitable and aesthetically pleasing immediate replacement to lick his wounds with. Am I supposed to believe that this scenario is even plausible, with her less-than-appetizing self portrayal on that show. I mean, she isn't even trying to be cute. And all of you femi-Nazis can take out your ovary cramps on that last statement all you want, but the beauty of women is beauty in and of itself, and so if you think you're an uber-feminist by "Uglying it Down" than you're clearly out of your mind. And believe you me, I'm no fucking Adonis, but then again I'm not on TV either. But if I was on TV, I'm certainly not going to get naked on TV because I'm gross, and people don't need to see that. Since Lena Dunham looks just like I do when she gets naked, then people shouldn't have to see that either. And honestly, that isn't even an issue. Come on everybody, three cheers for Lena Dunham's self-confidence and free spirit! If she is comfortable in her sub-par nude figure, I say "salud"; but last time I checked GIRLS isn't a fantasy themed show, so don't rub salt in my lacerated intelligence by convincing me that a broad like her can bang handsome middle-aged doctors off of the street.    

Of course, in these times of supreme political correctness one is not to make such "mean" comments about those who put themselves in the spotlight and purposely want to become lightning rods of discussion. Even the poster child of free speech Howard Stern had to retract his statements like Sal Gobernale's foreskin. The King of All Media made some very funny observations based on some of the episodes in season one which he had seen, which were later snow-balled out of context against his favor by Perez Hilton (a "man" who is no stranger to a good snow-balling. yucky!) into a media firestorm that ended in not only the aforementioned retraction/non-apology on air by Stern to Lena Dunham, but also by him uncharacteristically putting a gag order on the topic of Lena Dunham even being mentioned on either of his two satellite radio channels. I was shocked when I called in to the Abe Kanaan radio show show one week ago to comment on how sexually nauseating Lena Dunham is, and the shows producer hung up on me promptly after telling me that Howard himself didn't want anybody on the channels stirring that pot. The arch-nemesis of censorship himself, resorting to censorship? Say it ain't so! I can't, so I won't.

Am I rambling? I just have to touch a couple of points but really don't want to dedicate a big word count to the topic of Lena Dunham, since she obviously doesn't want to dedicate an effort to entertain me or the rest of her viewers. I'm not fixating strictly on Lena, all of the other characters are abhorrent. I mean, the British bird is decent looking but she's a real pig on the show, and as soon as you pull a free-spirit nomad type character out of your ass I head for the hills. Having known to many of these free-spirits throughout my life, I have personal experience and can attest to how fucking annoying chicks like that really are. Then there's the broad with the long face and the weird name who talks too much. Gentlemen, are we all on the same page about women who talk way too much? Which brings me to Allison Williams. The only oasis of feminine charm comes via her loathsome, bitchy character whom two seasons deep into the game has yet to have shown a half of a tit. Lena Dunham is flashing those flap jacks around and that dumpy ass of hers like gang-buster and this kind-of-hot chick is wearing more clothes during her sex scenes than that broad on Amish Mafia. To this, the Femi-Nazi SS would make the argument that women are not for the purpose of entertaining men yadda yadda yadda to which I agree. But when you write a TV show, which is strictly for the purposes of entertainment, then you should do just that... Entertain! You must provide a premise, a plot to entertain the women, and eye candy for the men. Otherwise, if you write a show on HBO just for women's interests because then that's being sexist in a way. You also can't have it both ways in that you can't do a show and not provide neither substance nor prime meats and not expect to catch shit for it.  

And before I am accused of being a woman hater, let me just say that I would like to impale every single male actor that has earned a single SAG credit from this snore-fest.  Is that what "men" are like in Williamsburg, Brooklyn? Pussy-Assed to the max? Not one identifiable male character, let alone a character that can be identified as male. 

Look, what do I know? I'm no Hollywood Big-Shot with a 'brain for big deals'. Wait, a retraction if I may. As a person who was raised in front of a TV set, I know more than the Hollywood Big-Shot, I know entertainment, and GIRLS just can't deliver that. The content is not there, and you won't get away with another "show about nothing" on the backs of this cast of characters, or lack thereof. I wonder how long her 15 seconds will last. Hopefully not much longer, because so help me if the little Mrs. makes me sit through a third season, let's just say that I may become a danger to myself. As it is, every Monday morning as I shave before work, I catch a flashback of the previous night's episode and sort of just pause around my jugular vein with the razor and just stare into the mirror... contemplating.

No comments:

Post a Comment