Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Tales Of Perversion Zine Calls It Quits!!! It's the end of an era for the Zine touted as "Satan's used toilet paper"!

As of this Halloween 2013, Tales Of Perversion Zine, or what your infernal majesty Satan has labeled as "the greatest fanzine of all time", shall be no more. The infamous printed tome will be sepulchered for evermore; ritually and hermetically sealed in the Tales Of Perversion Industries catacombs where it can no longer possess the minds of it's devotees to kill, kill, kill.

That's right! The fanzine that brought you the following classic records through it's in-house label is no more:

note to self: striped Polo shirts are very un-Black Metal. Next time, just rock 2 bullet belts criss-crossed on torso.

I regretfully inform my legions of fans that this is not a hoax.Truth is, that doing a zine in the year 2013 is not like it was back in my early 90's heyday, when stealing butt-loads of copies from Kinkos or Office Depot was a free-for-all; an articulate juvenile delinquent's wet dream. Today, in the age of the debit card, you can't even get copy one out of that Xerox machine until you swipe your BeastMark666 card, guaranteeing that every last piece of printed paper that shoots out of that sucker is on the books. That makes my dopey little hobby an expensive one! 
 I don't mind the devil using my idle hands as the medium for his intellectual masturbatory rites, but I prefer not to take a financial loss when tickling my dark Lord's cerebral prostate! Quite frankly, that is money that I could be smoking, ingesting in pill form, spending on internet porn, etc.

'Tales' had a good run, but now it's time to put that beaten horse down, as painfully and as inhumanely as possible. I don't know that conceptually this zine stood alone in a crowd, but I will cup my balls with my hand and spit before telling you that it was certainly one of the top 5 funniest fanzines ever. Bottom line! ...
I will put my rag against any other goof zine and Tales will ass-rape any other dopey fanzine out there that likes to crack wise.

Since this is the laughable and embarrassing culmination of my life's work, it needed a proper send off. What better way, I thought, then to send this thing off into further obscurity with a proper Roast? You know, like on Comedy Central...

And so, at some point during the last week of October, I will post the first-ever roast of a fanzine. I assembled a group of rag-tag misfits that will really be letting me have it. These pricks are going to sock it too me real good, and with good reason. The roasters will be the following:

Brent Webb of Dirt Merchant Fanzine (Kentucky)

Kevin Stewart Panko of Decibel Magazine

Adel 156 of Feast Of Hate and Fear Zine (

Rich O'Brian of Darkside NYC

with Special Guest Host:
Rick Smith of Torche/Shitstorm/Mehkago N.T.
(well, he isn't actually hosting. I asked if I could use his likeness, in order to ride the coattails of his band's fame.)

We (me) at Tales Of Perversion Worldwide Industries Inc. would like to thank all of you children in heat that have kept Tales in business since 2006 through your patronage. It is, after all, for you the youth whom I do this for. Perhaps if you little fuckers would have actually paid for an issue instead of being a bunch of freeloaders than I'd probably be still doing the fucking zine, typing away into my sticky laptop while laying on bales of cash!

But alas, every alpha has it's omega, and as for the printed version of Tales, Ouroboros is ready to blow himself... lucky bastard, I've been trying for years, but I just don't reach!
 The blog will stay up, and I will come into possession with the ghost of Pig Latin past and chime in from time to time, but for the most part, Tales Of Perversion is officially deceased now... Boo Hoo Hoo for my defunct periodical, it's so sad to lay you down, but the sad clown has run out of material. I painted myself into a corner, so we'll just leave it at that. Besides, with my blushing, corpse-painted bride preparing to bring my immensely hung Anti-Christ baby unto this plane of existence, who's got time for this Fanzine racket? I need to turn myself into a prosperous operative of Satan's work on Earth if I plan to afford feeding my demon seed! Isn't the little bastard just darling?!

Stop by later on this month and pay your respects! I know, I know, who the fuck wants to sit there READING a roast of some Zine that nobody has ever heard of...
Listen, Redtube ain't going nowhere! You can cut away from whacking off to Vanessa Del Rio's Brillo-Bush to grab a few yucks on here... it won't kill you! Besides, this bit is really funny! Believe you me, these roasters tore me a new asshole, but wait till they get a load of the rebuttal! (Ha, I said load!) Their gonna wish they never showed up!!! 

See ya then... Oodles of Toodles!

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