FEAR AND LOATHING AT MY SHRINK'S OFFICE

One of the main occupational hazards of being the quintessential miserable prick that i am is that the triggers are everywhere. Seriously! I can go from zero to surly in zero seconds flat over the most random and insignificant shit; hence why I’m sitting here in a head-shrink’s lobby awaiting my three o’clock, seeking solace and sympathy (for a fee of about $150 an hour.)

So here I am, flipping through the April 15, 2013 issue of TIME Magazine, minding my own business, not knowing that I was about to be detonated. As I came upon the page which inspired this rant, I was sent into a tizzy.

I don’t know what business this ass-bag Pete Wentz has doing in the pages of what I presumed to be a publication dealing mostly with important issues. How is he even relevant enough to be in there? This is TIME Magazine!!! Oh, now I remember why… He was plugging his new book. Who even knew this cock-smoker could write?

I’m going to print here the exact, verbatim quote from this fucking douche-lord in that issue of TIME that I was peeping, and you tell me if it’s my over the top rage getting the best of me, or if this guy is the most hate-enabling person ever to have a pair of skinny jeans press against his man-gina …

“For me, if I hadn’t ever had a chance to hear an album like [Green Day’s] Dookie, I don’t know where I would have ended up, heading down the path that I was on. If anything, we want to be a band like that. Maybe the idea is we’re not trying to save big-R rock ‘n’ roll because big-R rock ‘n’ roll is a thing. It’s, like, leather jackets. But we do want to promote little-R rock ‘n’ roll, which is an attitude, a perspective on life. We feel like little-R rock ‘n’ roll is 2 Chainz and Kanye West and Lena Dunham and people like that.”

I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give me a sec…. I really need to vent after reading that again… Standby…

First of all, where do I even begin… You FUCKING ASSHOLE! Green Day’s Dookie?! Really?! That’s where this pussy-clot got his point of reference from? One of the worst, most vaginal, irritating fucking records ever recorded! Dude, at my high-school, myself and the few couple of wolves that I ran with would terrorize anyone who scrawled GREEN DAY on their Jansport book-bag! That record inspired an entire generation of pussy-asses to become even more pussy-assed, and I'm no forensic sociologist, but I'll bet the contents of my scrotum sac that this Dookie record was one of the key ingredients in creating this current generation of teen-aged idiots...

Also, I love it how he kind of implies that Dookie is some kind of life-changing record with that comment he made about the "path he was on"? What path was that Pete? Being the maitre' d at a West Hollywood glory-hole, you desgraciado...

Second, I like how this turd-burglar mentions his “band” in the same sentence with the hallowed term Rock n’ Roll. YOU FUCKING CUNT! I don’t know what the fuck that ‘leather jackets’ comment you made even means, but one thing is for sure you little bitch, I’d take a leather jacket any day over skinny jeans, blouses, scarves and those Emo-fag haircuts you've prescribed to since the day you signed a record deal! You fucking, goddamned human shit-stain…. I wish someone could explain to this foreskin gobbler that anyone who has ever been in cahoots with Ashlee fucking Simpson automatically loses all right to even utter the words rock n’ roll, you snatch-face! 

Hey, were your wedding vows lip-synced too?

Perhaps Pete Wentz can explain to me how 2 Chainz (who?) Kanye West, and the vomit-inducing Lena Dunham are “little rock n’ roll”, let alone rock n’ roll at all! Kanye West is hardly rock n’ roll, and the fact that this cunt would put his self in any kind of league or figurative association with that jack-off Kanye is proof in itself of just how un-rock n’ roll this piece of dick-snot is.

To make it even worse, as if conjuring the name of Kanye West wasn’t bad enough, this twat-wash actually goes further to name fucking Lena Dunham as another kind of rock n’ roll luminary. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? LENA DUNHAM?  

What the fuck has Lena Dunham done besides show her Nat-Geo, flap-jack tits gratuitously on HBO. That little hack Lena Dunham is a silver-spooned cunt, the daughter of some well-to-do bourgeoisie artist named Carrol Dunham, a dude who has made a career of painting disturbingly reddened, open vaginas with abnormally long pubes. Her TV show, well... sucks! It’s uninteresting, and owes it’s critical success to the “controversy” revolving Dunham’s constant nudity on screen. In reality, all that this snaggle-toothed little frump Dunham has done is re-write Sex and The City, only she swapped the characters out from boring, sexed-up, middle-aged broads to boring hipsters.  What the FUCK makes her rock n’ roll? The only far reaching association she may have to R-n-R is that she’s as hideous as Janis Joplin.

 Lena Dunham? Give me a fucking break!

As for you, Captain Cocksucker Pete Wentz, your little quote just ruined my visit to the shrink. I had come here focused, with a clear line of thoughts that I wanted to delve into with my shrink. I wanted to tell him about my first erection, and how my mother saw it and shamed me for it. I wanted to tell him about the insights that this memory had given me into my female/mommy issues. Instead, I will probably get into a one hour diatribe on how music is dead and how that is a reflection of the state of our culture. This will more than likely be followed by my prophesying  on how it will only get worse from here, instead of talking about the time that I saw my dad in the shower with his hideously uncircumcised cock, looking like a fleshy Santa hat and then wondering if I was of a different race or species than him because my pee-pee looked different than his.

You sir, have always been,  and will always be...

As for the shrink, he’ll sit through it all. I am, after all, by his own admission, his favorite client. I believe him, too. I’m sure he gets bored of seeing trophy wives 5 days a week who see a shrink for weight-loss purposes. First World Problems!!!!

DARKSIDE NYC... Pig Latin Interviews Make Way for Dread!

DARKSIDE NYC (for all of you whipper-snappers out there) were a Brooklyn, New York band that took its upstarts in the early '90s. It would be a chore to describe their music to those who don't know their incomparable style. Some may call it "metallic Hardcore" (barf!). Others may call it Metal influenced by Hardcore. To me, it's a mix of highly Celtic Frost/HellHammer influenced Metal with a Hardcore-like bounciness and a deep, dirty guitar tone that sounds like the earlier material was recorded inside of Satan's colon. Over the music, a lyrical content was barked out from Rich O' Brien's caustic throat that was more 'daily struggle' than it was 'dungeons and dragons'. It was probably the no-frills, real life content that earned them a closer association to hardcore than to Metal.  

Regardless of the agreed upon description or categorization, this band had the stylistic chops to take it one step above (I think!) had they just have found a particular niche to fit into in the glorious, ideal-saturated '90s. However, they kept it strictly negative and hateful; perfect for miserable, angry pricks like me, but not exactly the outward musical/lyrical attitude that helped launch the next Victory Records teen idol back then. In essence, the very scene that gave DNYC any notoriety or recognition in the end was the source for their biggest disservice!

While Rich's wallet in retrospect may think he's an asshole, a big dumb Irish lummox, his balls and his conscience have no trouble facing him in the mirror each morning. You have to respect that!  

DNYC is about to drop the first two installments in a four volume set of greatest misses, new disses and butterfly kisses! For all intents and purposes, this is really the first DARKSIDE NYC album, since all previous output has been of demo length and quality. Getting Rich O'Brien to agree to do this interview was harder than trying to achieve an erection after seeing Lena Dunham naked. Rich had been through the mill of stupid fanzine  interviews, but I assured him that no fanzine Q and A could ever prepare him for a grilling on this set, ladies and germs. So now if you please, all the way from Brooklyn, New York please give a warm Tales Of Perversion Show welcome to the lovely...

Rich O' Brien of Darkside NYC

So, what do you do for a living when you're not weaving in and out of stretch Hum-V limos dodging blowjob-willing groupies?

I work in finance. Currently in the process of taking the handful of classes I need to get the degree that's held me back for so long. Believe it or not, the money I typically bring in from music does NOT cover my mortgage or even the electric bill. My car has 125,000 plus miles on it and the empty bottles clank on sharp turns.

Wow, a you’re a “one-percenter”! I gotta say, I'm floored, because I always figured you to be a big meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, and not someone who may have shared a free-base pipe at an office Christmas party with Bernie Madoff!" Has the path to becoming a Wall Street maven been an ambition of yours that has made way for dread?

 It is my muthafuckin' dream to be a 1%er.The "devil" - in all of his trickery - has designed so many methods of keeping me in economic chains. But I WILL rise up and achieve fiscal success! As a longtime high-ranking member of the Nation, I am already a 5%er. That makes just 4% more to go. Take that, "whitey".

Do you consider yourself to be an extraordinarily angry person? If so, why? 

There are a lot less things in my life now that make me "angry", but I can always channel a good rage when I need to.

How much of DARKSIDE NYC’s lyrical content is an actual reflection of your negative feelings and how much of it is for the sake of the band’s concept?

In other words, how often do we "fake the funk"? Never! Everything I write isn't necessarily autobiographical. Sometimes I kick out metaphors or let my imagination run, but I never felt I had to go out of my way stick to a concept. And that goes for being negative too.

 Using no more than six degrees of separation, can you connect yourself to Gary Dell’Abate?

Baba Booey?Isn't there a guy from Death on the Stern show? I used to go fuck it up for Death back in the day. (I don't think he was in the band back then though.)Pete Steele was also on the show once or twice, right? I'm sure I know someone else who was on the show, but need to think on it. What about Evan Seinfeld. I bet he was on.

Yes, Richard Christy is one of the behind-the-scenes Stern guys and he was in DEATH for the ‘Individual Thought Patterns’ album (or during that era as a touring drummer, not sure which right now,) and was also in ICED EARTH. Evan (or should I say “Spider Jonez”) was on there too with his ex-wife, just plugging and promoting her Porn flicks away. I am glad that you mentioned Peter Steele (and yes he was on the air with Stern once- it was fucking hilarious too.) I know that just like myself, you are a big CARNIVORE fan and so I was wondering if you were friendly enough with him to have attended his funeral. It’s just that it would be nice to confirm if it were true that there was a separate burial for Steele’s huge wang? 

The wake and funeral services were very private, for reasons I can't really explain, the family preferred to keep it away from fans and whatnot. Personally, I feel Peter would have gotten a kick out of a couple hundred freaks and wackos singing "God Is Dead" behind police barricades in Gerritsen Beach, Brooklyn. I knew Peter a little bit.  I went to support a family friend who was very close, as well as pay my basic respects for a guy who gave all of us old Brooklyn guys a real reason to form a band and just straight up not give a fuck! Plus, it was walking distance from my house. Regarding the wang, somehow they managed to get it all in there. I’m not sure if they needed to customize anything! Maybe remove some of the padding!

DARKSIDE NYC was active at THE time and THE place that most bands would jizz their skinny jeans to be a part of. In other words, early 90's NYC was a breeding ground of bands from all ends of the spectrum. Do you feel that DARKSIDE NYC's non-participation in the Hardcore trends of the day (as far as sound and image is concerned) is what ultimately caused you guys to be criminally overlooked? 

We never followed trends and never paid much attention to how we fit in. We did what we felt like doing. People liked it or didn't. There are probably 100 reasons why we may have been overlooked, we never signed with a label, never toured or played big shows, only had like ten songs...People who like what we do and are into digging up the illest obscure shit can usually find us.

Will both volumes be released simultaneously, or will there be a hiatus in between record drops?

OPTIMISM IS SELF-DECEPTION Volumes 1 and 2 were recently mastered and will be pressed as soon as I can get to it on CD, cassette, 8-track, and Vinyl if there's a demand... Volumes 3 and 4 still need some more vocals and mixing. All of the music for these records was basically done in a single weekend. If I didn't have to work, I'd be in a studio 80 hours a week. We'd have 200 albums!

Clarify this statement to be true or false… (Bullet through the face) is to (50 Cent’s slack-jawed delivery) what (throat surgery) was to (Rich O’Brien’s unmistakable vocals). In other words, do you feel your throat surgery in part gave you that grimy sounding voice? 

My voice isn't naturally grimy. That's the kind of voice I always liked as a kid, so that's how I do it. Over time it's become second nature, and I can go for hours without getting hoarse. Back in 1991, I had two or three consecutive strep throat infections and decided to get my tonsils taken out. I couldn't eat any food for like a month. I'd smash multi-vitamins into Jell-o and ate boxes of that shit cause it slid down nice. Anything that required swallowing was torture. Lost 30 pounds and looked like a starving addict, but then my voice slowly came back, and I started jamming with Alan Blake. And so did the pounds ha ha

What is your favorite episode of Tales From The Darkside? 

The one where Grandpa came back from the dead and didn't realize he was dead freaked me out a bunch when I was a kid. Homeboy blew his nose and it came off into the tissue ha-ha-ha! Haven't seen that show since the early or mid 80s but I still remember that creepy intro music with the fucked up trees.

My favorite episode is the one where Jerry Stiller is some radio "shock-jock." As the plot unraveled he slowly started morphing into a demon. By the end of the episode, you figure out that his broadcasting booth is down in hell where he is doomed to be a a demonic Don Imus rip-off for all eternity! Yea, just a thought, but maybe you guys should do a jam with a version of that creepy intro... The "Tales From The Darkside" intro! Dopeness!

Eh, as for the intro, too obvious I think, ha ha! The Twilight Zone was always a favorite show too. Tales From The Darkside was cool too, but they seemed to be doing a modern take on Twilight Zone.

Agreed, the ‘Tales from the Darkside’ theme would be too obvious, but sometimes “too obvious” works! Rich, baby, listen to me, your new agent… you do the ‘Tales from the Darkside’ intro theme rip-off today, and you’ll be playing it live on Kimmel tomorrow.

Only if FEAR shows up and we all get to destroy the green room.

Richie, baby, as your agent I'll give you the stars, but Lee Ving might be a little long in the tooth to trash anything but his adult undergarments (Hi-yooooooooo!) Now, as your agent, let me ask you this, how are you doing the tracking on ‘OPTIMISM’? In other words, will it be a mish mash of old stuff with new in no particular sequence, or is the song list set up to show how the sound has transitioned and progressed? 

We re-recorded everything we ever did and also wrote a bunch of new stuff. Over the years, a couple of things that always annoyed me was the degree in which our potential in writing new material was left untapped and all we ever made were some low-budget demos. These songs deserve to be heard in album-quality production, and now they are! People might think our new stuff is a bit different, but the reason for that is we already had so many songs that had a heavy Sabbath/Frost hardcore vibe. It was time to mix it up. I wanted some more total fast shit, some chaos, some crust, more extreme metal shit. Matt was on board 100%. We even did some melodic shit. Consider it a blueprint for what we'll do next.

 ...Darkside NYC was given a chance to do something for Roadrunner Records under the stipulation that Biohazard’s Billy Graziadei would have produced it. You declined because you always had the ambition of producing your first releases. Speaking honestly, do you sometimes regret not submitting to those terms just to see what could have been? I mean, I get the sense from you that you’re a regular guy and not a fame-seeker, but I can’t help but think that the working-man in you doesn’t wonder how many financial obligations could not have been eased by a “major” label record. 

Everyone knows no one gets rich of this kind of music. You've got better odds playing Lotto than making it "big" in the music industry.  Truth is I wondered about it a few times - mostly when I see huge festivals and all my friends are co-headlining it ha ha! But I chose my path. No regrets. Billy and them had good intentions, and I appreciated that, but I knew deep down that us signing up at THAT moment would have been truly disastrous. We were not agreeing on too many things as a band as it was. To start dealing with all the compromises with managers and labels and producers, etc. would have been fuckin' miserable. Maybe if we weren't so dysfunctional it would have been like the ultimate power move, haha - but I don't regret staying underground at all. It's where I feel comfortable. OPTIMISM IS SELF-DECEPTION - Vol. 1 & 2 and 3 & 4 is our legacy. Doesn't even matter how many thousands of copies I don't sell to random herbs. But I chose my path. No regrets.

If this scenario would repeat again today, do you think you would have made that same decision? 

We're not dysfunctional at all anymore. This band is super fuckin' productive now. There's no arguments, no bullshit. we get shit done! Our biggest problem is we lack TIME. Jobs, wives, kids, bills, etc. All that takes priority over hanging out and band shit. Once we get a couple of things out, we're established. Then, if a label wants to holler, it's cause they're into what we do. Not saying I WANT to sign, but at least we'll have something to talk about.  If they're looking for some hungry young kids to stay on the road all the time, that ain't us. What I can offer is an album-worth of material written and produced every week or 2. Don't believe me? Put me in the fuckin' studio and let's see how many years it takes before I run out of ideas. But in the meantime, putting out my own shit works for me. Our "debut album" took a while, but I'm almost 100% satisfied with how everything came out. Besides, the fun part is doing the cover and the layouts and deciding what pictures to put. Big labels don't necessarily see you how you want to be seen. They have their own ideas how to market bands, and don't mind if the band members don't like it. That wouldn't sit well with me at all. 

At the end of the day, I just want to make my music my own way. A tiny room of 30 people who REALLY dig what I do beats a stadium full of people jumping up and down just cause everybody else is. I get the idea most people in bands sign because they are secretly longing for the glory and the fame.  There's nothing wrong with that I guess, but it's not what drives me at all...

Darkside of the moon. On PCP or LSD? 

DMT

Having been a fly on the wall at late 80’s/early 90’s metal and hardcore shows at such venue spots as L’Amours and the likes, I am sure you've seen some impressive action in the trenches. Undeniably, anybody can just take a peek at any random Youtube footage of an "extreme" music event and concur that 'going off' at shows is laughable. Why do you think the ‘crowd feedback’ is not as fucking terrifying as it once was? I mean, have you seen the seemingly choreographed line-dance looking “douchery” of which “Moshing” consists of nowadays? 

FLY ON THE WALL - 1985. Under-rated LP!I might have been a fly on the wall in '86/87. By '88 I was catching dives and throwin' some elbows. I fully realize now that the "1982 scene" was totally hating on us and our violence and our metal infiltration, but at the time I never gave it a second thought. I was having a blast. And as far as I'm concerned, those shows were some legendary shit to be a part of.  There was no "line-dancing" or fake ninjas taking turns punching the air. You went in and tried not to fuckin' get killed ha-ha-ha I've had teeth cracked, dozens of bloody noses, bruised ribs, broke an arm, got a concussion. And it's all good; I administered a lot more than I got. Those were the best shows! I never once thought of suing a club; what the fuck is that? When I click on Youtube links for shows today, I see a lot of bands playing to a handful of dweebs doing some kind of pathetic "moves" ... half with their backpacks on? People skipping across the stage and then politely dismounting, ha-ha-ha. Whatever happened to stage-divers? These fuckers are floating like feathers!  But guess what - these kids don't give a shit about my judgment of their scene. Plus, a bunch of 40-60(!!) year olds talking about the old days isn't gonna keep a movement alive, is it? ha-ha.  You need the kids and the 20-25 year olds . At least the old school bands are getting their respect now, cause for a while they kinda weren't.

So, why do you think that they dance like fairies?

I couldn't tell ya that, I'm more sociopath than sociologist!

Would you find it preferable that kids just sit there and head-bang at any future DARKSIDE NYC  shows?

Well, I definitely prefer headbanging to ballerina thugs. At this point, we're cool if a few people just step away from the bar and watch us. Post an iPhone clip or something.

Tell me about the line-up of bums you got playing in DARKSIDE NYC right now?

I hate "musical resumes". It's like Linked In for fuckin' bands! Hahaha! The official line-up for the album recordings was: Rich - vocals, drums, piano pounding, percussion, assorted power tools and electronic noise. Matt - guitars, backing vocals and electronic noise. Také - bass,backing vocals. Joe - drums. Since the album, we became a 3-piece and I've been handling double-duty. It's a pain in the ass live, but our studio jams are killer! Very recently, we started playing with a drummer named Rick (who played in one of my first bands). And Metal Mark is playing bass while Také travels across Asia. Maybe you'll even see a show out of us this summer.

DARKSIDE NYC’s sound was always very heavily rooted in that old-school of thrash and metal lore, with just a touch of hardcore thrown in. But I gather from your answer to an earlier question that on the new joint you delve even deeper into a more “extreme” sound. What new musical approaches have you incorporated into the more recent, unheard material?

The new material has been heard quite a bit. I must have listened to these tracks 200 times a piece! HA. We went totally extreme on some of the newer songs: some d-beat, some blast parts, some black metal. Then we went more "old school punk rock" on other songs. A couple even have ridiculous melodies that no one ever would have expected us to do. The older heavy songs are like the anchor, or the center. We needed to mix it up; our set list was stale as fuck and being slow and mid-tempo most of the time made us wanna fuck with some fast shit. Also, having some songs that were 20 years old, we had fun writing a bunch on the spot. Some of those went in very unexpected directions. Now we can now play either all-metal shows or all-punk shows and actually fit a little better on the bill just by swapping out a few songs.

What do you mean by "written on the spot"? How much of the material was "written on the spot"? 

Drums tracked with no previous existing song arrangement. Guitars and bass layered on top. Whatever came out is whatever came out. I used to tell Dean (the engineer) just hit 'record' and I went off for the next 15 minutes. Ten songs were created. All made the cut.

That’s fantastic! Did you actually throw lyrics on those joints?

Of course. I took home rough mixes and wrote to them though; I didn't just record me yelling random shit.

Asides from throwing all kinds of styles together into one rusty spoon and cooking it up proper, you also used a bunch of different types of needles. (Yikes, that metaphor grossed me the fuck out). Tell us about the use of unconventional instruments on this thing. There are some instruments used throughout the joint that aren’t exactly part of the core elements used by Satan worshipping, junkie hippie bands such as yours! 

Matt has a friend who's a professional Latin percussionist. I kept talking about how I wanted to add conga to a part, or bongos to a part. I was asking people I knew, but it wasn't panning out. Finally Matt makes a call. The one and only Bopa King Carre shows up with cases full of the most awesome drums and an open mind. He set up these timbales and timbalitos with cowbells and proceeded to go to town on a bunch of our songs. We ended up with more than we could use but ended up with way more than we planned. The final result is sick. We also recorded me pounding on a piano with my fists, swinging a circular saw. A bit of trumpet blowing. It's bizarre. Another time, I got a guy playing crazy violin in the Times Square station to come to the studio. We overdubbed some of the most evil sounds and blended it with guitars on just certain parts. It ain't the Boston Pops.

Well, as a grease-ball spic, I’m sure that I will find the Latin percussion quite appealing. I will probably get up and start busting out Salsa spin moves instinctively! And as for all that other craziness, the bi-polar, manic-depressive lunatic inside of me will eat all of those shenanigans up! ...
Rich, listen to me, not to sound like a broken record but you gotta do the ‘Tales from the Darkside’ intro bust! Obvious, Schmobvious! Go against your instincts on this!  After all, you did blow the Roadrunner deal! But, hey, that was before my tenure, so ‘FORGIVEN/FORGOTTEN’ (pun intended).

This is the muthafuckin' soundtrack to bi-polar manic-depressives. I'll call the Harry Fox Agency and tell them that you'll take care of the compulsory license.

Listen, would now be the ideal time to remind you of my 10% cut as agent? 

Now's a great time! I'm in the red though. 10% of a negative number means you gotta cut me a check, B.

What are your thoughts (if any) on the upcoming Black Sabbath joint? 

Could it possibly be as awesome as Seventh Star or Headless Cross or Tyr? Ha-ha-ha! I didn't think the 2 new songs on that live reunion CD a few years ago were anything great.

Who are you liking musically lately? And keep in mind that it does not matter if it isn’t anything current. Anything that you have been bumping a lot lately is fine.

When it comes to metal punk and hardcore, it's basically all the old shit I always dug. Priest - Sin After Sin & Stained Class, Black Sabbath - Sabbath Bloody, Deep Purple - Machine Head, Discharge - Why, Metal Church's 1st record, Prong - Force Fed are some of the albums I threw on recently (that I didn't play on.) Otis Redding I dig a whole bunch. There's something compelling about Amy Winehouse - the Dap Kings drummer fuckin rules. Kinda reminds me of Al Jackson (Stax fame).Current music and me don't mix too much.

YOUPORN or the mental “highlights reel”? 

Married 17 years with 3 daughters… What on Earth are you talking about? Ha-ha! 

     

I'm going to paint a scenario for you because of curiosity over how you would handle a situation that I have found myself in many times. Hypothetically speaking: you're at a show, for the sake of argument let's just say it's at CBs just because I'm sure that the toilet there is a fucking nightmare! You're at a show, at CBs, and suddenly, you begin to feel the initial stomach quakes that foretell impending Gastro-Intestinal Armageddon. In other words, you've got about 5 minutes to spare before a literal shit-storm transorm the seat of your BVDs into the real DARKSIDE NYC! What do you do? Do you bite the bullet and shit in that nasty, crusty piss-infested throne room?

I have many times, my friend. Put it this way, no one coming down the stairs at CBGB ever wants to make eye contact - or even acknowledge in any way - a guy hovering over a seatless toilet, spraying the walls with no fuckin' door. It's like central booking. No one even looks your way, ha-ha-ha. CB's used to have a pizzeria next door. THAT bathroom was way better and had actual stalls with doors. I've never done that when the place was crowded though. If that ever happened, I guess I just went into the girl's bathroom and maybe get yelled at.

Clearly, there is a difference in the tone of this thing in comparison to other DNYC records (probably stemming from the fact that the older was were recorded in "demo" quality ). Was it always your intention of eventually cleaning up the sound DNYC's trademark "recorded-in-a-East New York-waste-container" sound? 

Hey, I've heard some real waste container demos in my day. Our shit wasn't anywhere close to that. But look, I always wanted to do a real record. Paying someone $400 to do a 6-song demo, or sneaking in to do vocals at 3 in the morning cause a friend works the board in a fancy studio, was the only way broke muthafuckas like us could have done it back then. I dare you to find someone who can honestly say our new record isn't as good as whatever we recorded 20 years ago ,ha!

[I think Rich mistook my Waste-Container comparison as a put-down, instead of as a compliment as it was intended. Oh well… Fuck ‘em, the ball-breaking Irish prick!]

Alright, Richie-boy, the word count on this fucking thing is out of hand… any last words to my unholy legion of followers, all of whom would purchase this record and commence the destruction of mankind at the behest of their infernal Lord and Master, Me?

OPTIMISM IS SELF-DECEPTION - VOL. I & II will be pressed as soon as I can get the funds together. Between the recording and mastering, I'm into this thing for several thousand dollars already, so the fact that it's been taking a while is more annoying to me than to anyone else. That I can assure you! Revelation Records picked up a lot of the Everyday Dollars CD I put out, so I imagine they'd be into distributing this one too. But either way, we'll have a webstore when the time comes. If people snatch it up, and I can make my money back, it'll mean I can finish Vol. III & IV that much quicker!

darksidenyc667@yahoo.com

satanwearssuspenders@yahoo.com

                                  

                                         

DARKSIDE NYC interview coming soon you filthy whores!!! Be on the lookout for their upcoming double CD titled

"OPTIMISM IS SELF DECEPTION"

Volumes 1 and 2

check them niggas at:

http://www.darksidenyc.com/

Congratulations are in order to

 TALES OF PERVERSION ZINE

Issues # 3 and #4

Miami's legendary Bible of Obsessive Repulsive Disorder receives more accolades from DECIBEL Magazine!!!

Okay... Seriously, what the fuck is going on? This is the second time that Decibel reviews one of my Zines and I can seemingly do no wrong by them. To read their highly favorable review of my Misanthropaganda (copyright), one might think that I had naked pictures of Kevin Stewart Panko from Decibel Magazine engaged in an all out fuck-fest with a couple of farm animals and a Romanian transsexual! As far as this highly credible source of music journalism is concerned... they like me...they really like me!!! And the feeling is mutual! 

Decibel Magazine is the shit, and I'm not just returning the ego stroke! 

Anyways, here is the verbatim joint review of Tales Issues number 3 and 4 by my favorite metal Canuck, zine connoisseur Kevin Stewart Panko from his 'ZINE POLICE' column...

Posted on: Thursday, February 28th, 2013

"And last, but certainly not least comes Tales of Perversion #3 & #4. To say that this is a ‘zine is true in the sense that it includes words and pictures printed on paper, but each issue comes across more and more like the result of creator and head pervert – the charmingly monikered Pig Latin – cracking open his deviant mind, of which he is intensely proud, and spilling it on the page in a flurry of madness. The result is a cut-and-paste monstrosity that’s equal measures repulsive and fucking awesomely entertaining, all depending on your take and how much the 90s PC movement still registers and resonates with you. Fake ads for fake record labels pushing fake bands like Afro-American black metal band Negrophilia, all-gay hardcore band Fisted Youth and all-female extreme metal bands like Brutal Uterus and Goatshoof, stories about PL’s first handjob and working the graveyard shift in a porn shop, clinical breakdowns of his favourite drugs, rants and rages against televised tattoo shops and sports. Heck, there are even a few reviews. There’s a shitload of content and it’s definitely something to leave hanging around on the coffee table when your mother-in-law won’t take the hint and get the fuck out."  

(go see for yourself, bitch ass nigga... check the link!)

http://www.decibelmagazine.com/blog/page/2/

Thanks guys. It means a lot! How about you guys give me a fucking column over there already and stop half-blowing me?!

  

Come on Lena... Your knees are never closed shut...

Lena Dunham and the horrors of a husband living in a single TV household

Some of the most important life lessons that I have learned have come through my marriage, now more than halfway to our Tin celebration. My wife has done a magnificent job of domesticating your once savage Lord and Master; I'm not sure if that's a testament to the power of her feminine wiles or an indictment against my conquered manhood. Among these important life lessons, I have been taught the value of sharing by my beloved, particularly as the lesson applies to the use of our singular household television. Over here at 'Casa de Perversions', sharing a set basically means the wife watches whatever the fuck she wants! So naturally in the fine, long tradition of defeated, downtrodden husbands, I have been forced to assimilate the ways of my emotional/sexual colonizer. How have I been able to do that you ask? Well, you just have to look for the testosterone lining to the estrogen cloud. 75% percent of the time, this is achieved because of a hot chick. For example, the wife loves AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. The downside there is that I have to sit through an hour of nutty broads that are completely delusional in thinking that posing for a snapshot is important social work as well as it is a physically and emotionally draining profession. The upside is that Tyra Banks is a hot piece of ass and you get to see her here and there in different outfits throughout the show, so you just teach yourself to look forward to those segments and that helps you get by. See where I'm going with this? I've learned to do the same with PROJECT RUNWAY (with Heidi Klum, and her incomparable legs) and TOP CHEF (with Padma Laksmi who is extremely underrated as a hot chick.)

 (When she tunes in to any of the Real Housewives, well, that's when I rely on earphones and the internet cause there's just nothing there to fluff your pillow to!)

For the most part, I've been pretty tolerant of my domestic oppressor. Even when she started watching season 1 of the HBO series GIRLS, created, written by and starring new found media pseudo-darling Lena Dunham. This show was a tough sell for me even after my systematic domestication because after an episode or two I quickly came to the conclusion that the hot chick count was nil on this thing. Well, Allison Williams is a good looking broad, but more on her later. I was going to have to learn to like the content... or else! Some of it was OK I guess. The plot had some hook to it, mainly due to extremely awkward and somewhat disturbing sexual situations and commentary. But still, the irritating characters and the seemingly intentional portrayal of hipsters being hipsters in a hipster world dealing with hipster problems in a hipster's perspective remained the underlying subtext for me and so the season one finale was followed by a sigh of relief from my afflicted psyche.

I kind of didn't figure there would be a season two. And here we are, halfway through the sophomore effort, and in the name of my testicles, I'm putting my fucking foot down! I mean... What The Fuck already?! This show is lowering my sperm count by the millions with every single viewing and I've had enough. 

There is no visible effort in this show's writing to even give the likeness of a plot. It's basically just become Lena Dunham's vehicle for her to self indulge her fantasies of being this hipster avatar that'll fill the gap that wasn't left by that broad from Sex and the City. You know the one. The one who is often on the receiving end of equine oriented insults. Sadly, I hate to admit that the difference is Sex and The City was a lot less vapid, though the premise is not-that-loosely similar (a female writer, sleeping around a New York burrow, etc.) Lena basically just writes herself into a different sex scene every week with just some random dude, under believable circumstances or not. In last week's episode, she randomly meets some handsome, mid 40's Doctor who is recently separated from his wife, and bangs him. And wait, here's the insult to injured intellect, he asks her to stay the morning after, and bangs her again... like, while completely sober!  Really? I mean, a halfway decent looking MD can find a suitable and aesthetically pleasing immediate replacement to lick his wounds with. Am I supposed to believe that this scenario is even plausible, with her less-than-appetizing self portrayal on that show. I mean, she isn't even trying to be cute. And all of you femi-Nazis can take out your ovary cramps on that last statement all you want, but the beauty of women is beauty in and of itself, and so if you think you're an uber-feminist by "Uglying it Down" than you're clearly out of your mind. And believe you me, I'm no fucking Adonis, but then again I'm not on TV either. But if I was on TV, I'm certainly not going to get naked on TV because I'm gross, and people don't need to see that. Since Lena Dunham looks just like I do when she gets naked, then people shouldn't have to see that either. And honestly, that isn't even an issue. Come on everybody, three cheers for Lena Dunham's self-confidence and free spirit! If she is comfortable in her sub-par nude figure, I say "salud"; but last time I checked GIRLS isn't a fantasy themed show, so don't rub salt in my lacerated intelligence by convincing me that a broad like her can bang handsome middle-aged doctors off of the street.    

Of course, in these times of supreme political correctness one is not to make such "mean" comments about those who put themselves in the spotlight and purposely want to become lightning rods of discussion. Even the poster child of free speech Howard Stern had to retract his statements like Sal Gobernale's foreskin. The King of All Media made some very funny observations based on some of the episodes in season one which he had seen, which were later snow-balled out of context against his favor by Perez Hilton (a "man" who is no stranger to a good snow-balling. yucky!) into a media firestorm that ended in not only the aforementioned retraction/non-apology on air by Stern to Lena Dunham, but also by him uncharacteristically putting a gag order on the topic of Lena Dunham even being mentioned on either of his two satellite radio channels. I was shocked when I called in to the Abe Kanaan radio show show one week ago to comment on how sexually nauseating Lena Dunham is, and the shows producer hung up on me promptly after telling me that Howard himself didn't want anybody on the channels stirring that pot. The arch-nemesis of censorship himself, resorting to censorship? Say it ain't so! I can't, so I won't.

Am I rambling? I just have to touch a couple of points but really don't want to dedicate a big word count to the topic of Lena Dunham, since she obviously doesn't want to dedicate an effort to entertain me or the rest of her viewers. I'm not fixating strictly on Lena, all of the other characters are abhorrent. I mean, the British bird is decent looking but she's a real pig on the show, and as soon as you pull a free-spirit nomad type character out of your ass I head for the hills. Having known to many of these free-spirits throughout my life, I have personal experience and can attest to how fucking annoying chicks like that really are. Then there's the broad with the long face and the weird name who talks too much. Gentlemen, are we all on the same page about women who talk way too much? Which brings me to Allison Williams. The only oasis of feminine charm comes via her loathsome, bitchy character whom two seasons deep into the game has yet to have shown a half of a tit. Lena Dunham is flashing those flap jacks around and that dumpy ass of hers like gang-buster and this kind-of-hot chick is wearing more clothes during her sex scenes than that broad on Amish Mafia. To this, the Femi-Nazi SS would make the argument that women are not for the purpose of entertaining men yadda yadda yadda to which I agree. But when you write a TV show, which is strictly for the purposes of entertainment, then you should do just that... Entertain! You must provide a premise, a plot to entertain the women, and eye candy for the men. Otherwise, if you write a show on HBO just for women's interests because then that's being sexist in a way. You also can't have it both ways in that you can't do a show and not provide neither substance nor prime meats and not expect to catch shit for it.  

And before I am accused of being a woman hater, let me just say that I would like to impale every single male actor that has earned a single SAG credit from this snore-fest.  Is that what "men" are like in Williamsburg, Brooklyn? Pussy-Assed to the max? Not one identifiable male character, let alone a character that can be identified as male. 

Look, what do I know? I'm no Hollywood Big-Shot with a 'brain for big deals'. Wait, a retraction if I may. As a person who was raised in front of a TV set, I know more than the Hollywood Big-Shot, I know entertainment, and GIRLS just can't deliver that. The content is not there, and you won't get away with another "show about nothing" on the backs of this cast of characters, or lack thereof. I wonder how long her 15 seconds will last. Hopefully not much longer, because so help me if the little Mrs. makes me sit through a third season, let's just say that I may become a danger to myself. As it is, every Monday morning as I shave before work, I catch a flashback of the previous night's episode and sort of just pause around my jugular vein with the razor and just stare into the mirror... contemplating.

Are you depressed? Do you feel hopeless?

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We here at the TALES OF PERVERSION suicide hotline want you to know that there is someone out there ready to hear you out and talk you through this rough moment.

Just call:

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Running out of ideas on how to snuff it? No resources? Not to worry! Our trained phone counselors can provide over 120 different ways to off yourself using common household items.

Call us up now! Come on, baby, Don’t fear the Reaper! You’re not getting any younger, and surely this life doesn’t get any better, so just take your final bow, and call us now…

1-(800)-DIRTNAP