The Return of the Magus

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So this is it huh?! 

The catalyst for our obliteration was a stupid low budget video!

The shit really hit the fanatic this time! I would have thought that the war of all against all would have popped off over something a little more serious than some extremely boring and poorly made video. It looks like one of those BETA-MAX quality videos that you can get made of you and your friends doing a cover of Whitesnake's "Is This Love" at the county fair. 

The relatively blasphemous "INNOCENCE OF ISLAM" video is the new outrage du jour for the turban wearing world that will usher in the new age of quarrel. Honestly, I couldn't even get through the trailer, it's so fucking booorrrring. But I can see how the subject matter can cause outrage to the religious whacko set. According to reports from those who can actually watch this thing all the way through, the film portrays the prophet Muhammad of the Islamic faith as a thief, pedophile and homosexual. The volatile film was masterminded by a Coptic Christian from Egypt with a hundred aliases. Kind of like a one man Ali Baba and the forty thieves. 

Reception of the video by Muslims has been less than warm, and some chicken little reporters are already foaming at the mouth with the suggestion that this could very well be the jump off for World War 3. And from the sounds of today's protesters in Sudan whom chanted "Obama, there are a million Osama's!", I would be scared too. The message is self explanatory I think, and rather ominous.

Really, though? Over some stupid ass video? Some shitty 'Public Access TV' looking piece of shit was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back? Pun may have been intended.

Well boys and girls, here we go again. It's back to checking our daily color alert on CNN. "Oh shit, we're at magenta with white polka dots today, better cancel that 12PM rub & tug!" Back to paying a jillion dollars per gallon of gas! Here we go once again, sweating bullets trying to figure out which one of our local Quickie Marts is the one that holds meetings for sleeper cells in it's backroom. Word to the wise, a Slurpee boycott would be ideal right now. Slurpees are an excellent medium for use in biological warfare. 

Still I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, we should just leave those whacky Jihadists alone. Why poke and prod at them if you already know that any little religious parody will set them off like that weed that Curtis Baby sold Cheech in the cinematic tour de force 'Up in Smoke'. I mean, free speech is free speech, or so the argument goes. But when somebody else's free speech infringes on my right to not fear a nuclear war-head blowing up my shit, then we have a problem. Free Speech seems very expensive a proposition when it's used to agitate people who have no qualms with blowing themselves the fuck up to take you with them just to prove a point. 

Still, it seems to be the right wing Jesus-gestapo's opinion that the children of the infinite sand trap need to "get over it." Anybody know what channel that Christ-Twat Pat Robertson is on? I'd love to hear his take on this! I'm sure it'll be something completely non offensive that will make things much better. If the tables were turned, would these Christian idiots have such a casual attitude about low budget, gonzo blasphemy? Say for example, some guy named Hassan Al Habib Muhammad Mustafa Jenkins published a video of Jesus taking a gang-banging from a couple of Roman centurions, or going all Roman Polanski on a Cub Scout, or any other unsavory depictions of the naughty Nazarene, how would the bible belt react? 

I'll tell you how...

-A frenzy of angry tongue speaking

 -Full on Koran burning rallies

-A spiking of anti-Islam hate crimes

 -Rampant vandalism of Mosques

-Snake handlers chucking Copperheads and Rattlers at passing cab drivers,

 etc, etc, etc...

Or maybe not, since Christians are just crazy, ignorant and rather stupid, but have no real balls to back up their White Anglo Saxon Protestant bravado. I've never heard of some Born-Again screaming "JESUS-U-AKHBAR" before setting off the detonator to the 200 pounds of C4 explosives packed into their Nissan Murano as they plow into an abortion clinic!

Leave it to those Christians man, whether Coptic or otherwise, they're always fucking up everybody's shit! What have I told you about them time and time again? If ever there was a worldwide common enemy for Earthlings to rally against, it's the Cunts of the Christ! In some way shape or form, they are always behind turning the world into a fucking powder keg. Like, they just can't leave well enough alone! 

As for now, there is little else to do but sit tight in our homes, hoping that whoever pushes the button gets the coordinates wrong and ends up blowing up France instead. I mean, France, who's going to fucking care if France gets the Nuke!? I certainly won't shed a tear. 

And as far as all of you angry Arabs out there in Libya, and Yemen and other Expedia vacation hot-spots, getting all surly at a proper flag burning, get a grip! Really! You guys are in the middle east, literally surrounded by glorious Opium fields and the highest quality Hashish strains on Earth, just chill-ax, OK?! Smoke a bowl of fresh poppy resin. Fire off a gram or two of some choice Lebanese hash in the old hookah and just knock it off already. OK, OK, we get it, you hate America. Who doesn't? Just mellow out man! 

Tell you what, if we hand over to you the blasphemous filmmaker, George W. Bush, the Kardashians, and a few guards from Guantanamo to do with as you please, could we then call it even? Just wrap your turbans around it and get back to us, no big whoop!

And as for the douche who put together this little Citizen Kane, hey douche-bag, thanks a lot! Things were mellowing out a little in that god-forsaken desert till you had to go and set them off again. If we get hit by another 9/11 type of attack, there is only you to blame! Suck my Coptic cock you Egyptian ass-bag.    

FEAR AND LOATHING IN

PUBLIX SUPERMARKET

Needless to say I was horrified. I gagged, dry-heaved, and just a whisk of bile from the pits of my stomach ascended my esophagus.

Oh, the horror! Could it be? Is it possible that for years, every time I caught a flu, or Diarrhea, etc., that my mother or wife may actually have been feeding me warm Dick water under the guise of "Chicken Soup?"

 Excuse me a sec...

TRUE BLOOD FUCKING SUCKS!

How the fuck does HBO go from GAME OF THRONES to back that Shit-Fest called TRUE BLOOD?

The biggest favor that HBO could have ever of done for it's subscribers would've been to cancel this god-awful series after season 2. After that it was 'Shark Jump City'. Not even a Weed and Valium cocktail during the viewing of this retinal herpes sore can make the show watchable. Look, I'm not even going to hate on season 1. I found it to be a fresh and interesting concept at first. But then it all went south when the writing took a nose dive right in the middle of the second season. So, if VICTORY RECORDS were to start distributing the seasons on DVD, the marketing hook should read as follows:


TRUE BLOOD- for fans of being patronized by 'make it up as we go along' writing and characters so annoying that you end up wanting to do THIS after watching an episode:

It's funny because I really thought that nothing can come even remotely close to sucking as bad as those TWILIGHT movies, yet TRUE BLOOD disproved my hypothesis. One should almost feel that the writers are openly insulting the viewers with writing that could be better executed if I stuck a crayon up my ass, squatted over a few sheets of paper, wiggled my ass around a bit, and BINGO- We've Got A Script! Uh-Oh, my Sookie Stackhouse-like power to read minds can hear the show's creators thoughts! Wanna hear what he's thinking?


"Fuck! This Jerk-Off discovered my secret story-boarding method!"


I think that the purpose of this particular rant is just for venting purposes. I really don't think that I want to ruin this perfectly blissful 10mg Diazepam buzz by detailing the horrors of this show's whack-ness. It's more about keeping my sanity and preventing from throwing my flat-screen against the floor in a total 'Office Space printer scene' like beat down. I've mentioned in the past that my bride and I share one TV here in the Tales' Dungeon of Perversions, forcing me to view some of my her preferred viewing. So, having said that, can I be at blame if TRUE BLOOD finally made my cup runneth over after all the shit TV that I am collaterally exposed to?   

Since it is clear that the only redeeming quality of the show is the gratuitous nudity and/or fucking scenes, than would it be too much to ask if they would show some naked women for fuck sake? Wait, let me re-phrase that, some naked ATTRACTIVE women! I'm tired of watching Jason Stackhouse's ass trot across the scene, and the same goes for the mega-lame werewolf Alcide, showing his abs every 5 minutes. Let's face it, all of the eye-candy on the damn show is for the female/gay tastes. And what's worse is that all of the broads on the show are butt-booty-busted (Ana Paquin and her gap-tooth, Tara looks like a Koala in black-face, Pam looks like she can host a Lady-Boy pageant in Bangkok, etc.) All except for Jessica the red-head, who's cute, but has yet to have shown a half an ass cheek, even though she's been open for action since forever! The gross thing about her is that every time you stuff her pink coffin with a 'Stiff' (ha!), her hymen grows back. Yuck! What a waste of a perfectly fuckable ginger! Any experienced virgin surgeons out there know how unpleasant it is to feel the snap of a hymen. [dry-heaving]


I don't know... I'm just saying!
The valium tends to make me ramble, so maybe I better quit while I'm ahead. I don't know, Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff must be rolling in their crypts like Rotisserie corpses. They must be saying "Is this what's become of the Vampire movie racket?"


And you thought nothing was as fucking lame as TWILIGHT?

Linda Blair after having watched this weeks episode!

    

Volume 4

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All the shit I can't say online thanks to the 

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SPECIAL EDITION!

I ran into my old friend Lord Frank (Burning Strong/LVG) today! As usual, the good Lord busted out with a bowl of the Chronic and we started reminiscing about Miami Local music. We started talking about his completely unknown minimal underground hip-hop album...

I really dig this joint. As far as I'm concerned, this was one of (if not THE) first "bilingual/spanglish" hip hop records. True,you won't catch half of the metaphors/punchlines unless you a) are from Miami or b) are a Cuban, but I assure you it's fucking genius!

Here, check out my favorte cut... light one and enjoy-joy...

Since Tales of Perversion Zine Volume 4 just came of the presses today, I didn't get the chance to write this thing up. But I will most definitely work a Lord Frank interview into Tales of Perversion Volume 5...

Yeah, yeah, I know, I've been a little negligent in maintaining the TALES' blog current but I have an announcement to make...

Drum roll please! No wait, fuck the drum roll, give me a blast...

TALES OF PERVERSION VOLUME 4, CURRENTLY ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR, CUT & PASTE EXTRAVAGANZA IS WHAT I HAVE IN STORE, TITS AND SATAN DRUGS AND SEX ROCK AND ROLL AND GORE!!!

TALES OF PERVERSION ZINE VOLUME 4, OUT SOON!!! MORE OF THE USUAL DEBAUCHED STUPIDITY YOU'VE COME TO KNOW AND LOVE, ONLY BIGGER AND  BETTER THAN EVER